NFL threatens to launch American football into heart of Europe

Photo by Mike Morbeck

Photo by Mike Morbeck

NEW YORK — Fearing that Americans’ interest in soccer is growing, the National Football League announced Wednesday that unless FIFA — the Paris-based governing body for soccer — made efforts to reduce the global spread of the sport, it would launch American Football into the heart of Europe, possibly setting up franchises in European cities by next season.

“The time has come for the NFL to defend itself from soccer,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. “A soccer match affords few breaks for messages from sponsors, and it’s a sport anyone can play, almost anywhere, without expensive equipment.”

“Also, soccer players look very silly chasing their goofy rounded ball,” he added.

Leaked memos from within the NFL indicate that an initial attack could begin by dropping coaching staff and players over targets selected for their large populations and the potential for major sponsorship, such as Paris, Frankfurt or London. After stadiums are secured, the NFL will create fun team names to win the hearts and minds of locals, such as the Paris Know-It-Alls or the London Bridges.

Critics of the plan fear Europeans are not fed enough to really enjoy American football, and would need to be given expensive rations of grease-sugar-salt balls for many years prior to any launch.