Nation’s oxygen bars cry foul: “anti-competitive” practices by nature

The nation’s oxygen bars are calling on the Department of Justice to investigate what they believe are “unfair and monopolistic business practices” by nature.

In a letter printed in the New York Times on Friday, the Association of Oxygen Bars cited overwhelming evidence that nature is undercutting their business by, among other things, flooding the market with cheap O2.

tree“Nature’s plan is to drive us out of the market, and when it’s the only one left, it’s going to gouge the hell out of consumers,” said Anthony Vildoli, the association’s president. “This is not speculation. This is based on documents provided to our lawyers by private investigators.”

Nature, in a response printed in the New York Times two days later, contested the claims, saying that O2 bars are the ones that should be investigated. Oxygen bars, nature said, frequently deceive customers about levels of oxygen abundance. “Most alarming,” wrote nature, “is that oxygen bars have been conducting business in trendy, Asian-themed boutiques  — when in fact oxygen has its roots in undersea vents and cyanobacteria, not the landmass known as Asia.”

The DOJ is expected to investigate the claims but charges against nature are unlikely, given its powerful lobbying arm and wide presence in Washington.