Massive water shortages as viewers rush to shower after debate

Massive water shortages as viewers rush to shower after debateOfficials in thousands of municipalities across the United States are reporting massive water shortages after much of the country felt compelled to shower after watching Sunday night’s debate between presidential candidates Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.

The 90-minute debate, described by political commentator Ricardo Ultimo as “two squealing pigs crapping in the feeding trough to lay claim to the slop inside,” is said to have been the nastiest televised event since President George H.W. Bush vomited on the Japanese prime minister Kiichi Miyazawa in 1992.

“I was looking forward to a crazy, no-holds-barred smackdown,” said Florida resident Gareth Coburn. “But sometime in the middle, I got the feeling of being covered with bile. I showered for a whole hour, went through two bottles of industrial-strength horse shampoo, and I still can’t get rid of the stench.”

In California, where years of droughts have already left many regions without adequate water reserves, 73 counties declared states of energy after not a single drop was left when the debate concluded around 7:30 p.m. PST.

“Ugh,” said San Jose State University student Lindsey Gwak, who with dozens of other freshmen leapt into a campus pond after discovering that their entire dorm had no water. “Gross. Ick. Yuck. Ach.”

The Presidential Debate Commission is advising those victimized by the mudslinging between Clinton and Trump to abstain from watching the third and final debate on Oct. 19, and to instead participate in wholesome activities like attending an underground cockfighting match or watching reruns of “Jerry Springer.”

The Red Cross, the Salvation Army, and other relief organizations are setting up temporary shower stations in many areas for people who continue feeling dirty, even hours or days after the event.