Macy’s to honor Thanksgiving by cancelling demeaning parade

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By cancelling its demeaning parade, Macy’s hopes to give tens of millions of viewers the chance to regain their dignity — at least this year.

In an unprecedented move, Macy’s is honoring Thanksgiving this year by cancelling the demeaning Thanksgiving Day Parade.

“This year, we wanted to really do something special,” said Rob Pall, the demeaning parade’s executive. “We thought about new exciting balloon characters and pop musical performances, but then it dawned on us: let’s do everyone a favor by cancelling the demeaning parade altogether.”

“The demeaning parade’s popularity baffles us as much as anyone,” Pall said. “Who could have known in 1924 that a tacky marketing ploy to boost Christmas sales would be such a hit, year after year?”

“The fact is, 50 million viewers celebrate Thanksgiving by listening to the obnoxious Matt Lauer comment on how impressive a 50-foot Kermit the Frog is. That’s not healthy behavior.”

In a press release, Macy’s Inc. said the tradition of the having a demeaning parade would likely resume in 2014, but that America really needed to take a year off in order to speak with visiting relatives and maybe try to regain its dignity.

NBC, which has officially televised the demeaning parade since 1952, announced it would air footage from the 1995, 2003 and 2012 parades because nobody would notice the difference anyway.  A CBS spokesperson said the network would replace its coverage with a three-hour video loop of lab rats trying to get through a maze.