Leicester triumphs as Dorkinghamshire United unable to beat Tittleton City

 

Leicester triumphs as Dorkinghamshire United unable to beat Tittleton CityLEICESTER, England — Fans of British soccer team Leicester celebrated on Monday as rival Dorkinghamshire United failed to defeat Tittleton City, giving Leicester the top rank in the Precious League.

“We kick ball good,” team captain and midfield keeper Juan Schmidt-Nielsen said, explaining how the team overcame 5000 to one odds of taking first place this year. “And ball go into little box.”

“What delightful news,” said Nigel Smythe-Bacon, 64, who has supported Leicester since he was just a lad looking out the window of his modest flat as Leicester players booted up on the field across the street, leveling good-natured taunts at one another such as, “Who hangs your knickers out to dry, love?”

The season was fraught with other surprises, as league giants Pollycodwich F.C., Buggerton F.U. and Chuckingham Town fell out of the league altogether and will be relocated to Ireland for seven years as punishment.

“Oh, bollylocks full of salted butter and a sour pickle with Marmite,” remarked Dorkinghamshire United fan Ian Duckelsworth, throwing a scarf across Dorkingham’s King’s Black Boar pub where he was watching the match with sons Alastair, 11, and Harvey, 10, both of whom were dressed in the club’s traditional tweed frocks.

“Well, there’s always next year,” said barman Rupert Grey, himself a Dorkinghamshire City fan, wiping down the oak bar with a towel embroidered with the words “There’s Always Next Year.”

“A most disappointing turn of events,” said Mark Rifton, 26, a member of the Dorkinghamshire Ultras, who are known to call fans of opposing teams “Sally boys” and challenge them to lager drink-offs and impromptu Morris dancing competitions.

Meanwhile, in Leicester city center, gleeful residents hurried into the street to form orderly queues at the meat pie stand, where seventh-generation pieman Landon Pasty was busy adorning his wares with a breaded L while saying, “Jolly good performance lads, jolly good.”

This non-win win means that Leicester will be allocated at least three new Spaniards and either a German or Frenchman for the 2016-2017 season, and it guarantees the team a cult following among Japanese girls aged 11 to 15.