Kooky old racist afraid of Ebola

Conservative old kooky racist spreading fear and hysteria about EbolaSTERLING, Colo. — Residents of this modest farming community have confirmed reports that the kooky old racist Robert Dingle is at it again, this time telling everyone they should be more panicked by the threat of the Ebola virus.

Tina Gorman, a waitress at Doc’s Cafe where Dingle regularly eats breakfast, says the 76-year-old former cattleman is known to have some pretty extreme views, so she and other staff weren’t surprised when he attempted to ignite fear of the disease of that comes with a 50 percent mortality rate — just because it originated in Africa.

“Robert was saying all sorts of crazy things, like the U.S. should cancel all incoming flights originating in countries where Ebola is spreading,” Gorman said. “Then he actually named a bunch of countries in Africa, like Liberia and some others.”

“Why not France? Why not Australia?” she added. “He’s totally racist and nuts.”

Some residents offer excuses on behalf of Dingle, saying he should be ignored because he’s exhibiting signs of dementia, or that in his generation, it was acceptable to show an irrational fear of transmissible diseases that cause severe muscle pain, intense vomiting, and blood to ooze from various orifices. After all, when Dingle was young, polio was still ravaging the world, and he probably grew up listening to crazy stories about the millions of people killed by the Spanish Flu.

“My great-aunt used to call Chinese people ‘orientals,’” said customer Oscar Crampton. “She also used say that kids from the Indian reservation carried lice.”

“We all knew she was crazy,” he said, “and we just ignored her, so why can’t people do the same with Robert?”