Koch brothers illegally bankrolled GOP ground game

Koch Brothers 2014 elections - spoof, satire, parody

After casting ballots with every box marked for the GOP, rich white voters were provided free stays in five-star hotels where they were allowed to drink all the contents of the mini-bar.

Republican sources have revealed that funding provided by the controversial trillionaire industrialists Charles and David Koch was instrumental in delivering the votes needed to give the GOP victory in Tuesday’s midterm congressional elections, the Dandy Goat has learned.

The brothers, who live in a privately owned Airbus A380 which permanently circles high above the United States, and whose father, multi-trillionaire oilman Fred Koch, is blamed by many climatologists for starting global warming in the 1950’s, funnelled trillions of dollars in illegal overseas campaign contributions to bankroll the Republican Party’s get-out-the vote operation.

While near-penniless Democrats targeted single women, and relied on tried-and-tested voter mobilization efforts in black, Hispanic and poor communities, Republicans used the Kochs’ largesse to turn out hundreds of thousands of white male millionaires and billionaires to vote.

Election analysts say many were first-time voters who are normally too busy counting their piles of money or manipulating global bond markets to bother to cast a ballot. And others had previously been unable to find a private airport within limousine distance of a polling station, placing an unfair burden on their ability to participate in the electoral process.

The funding provided by the Koch brothers enabled local GOP turnout operations to mobilize huge numbers of less rich but still wealthy white men to help get vastly wealthier Americans to the polls in style.

These volunteers undertook tasks such as shuttling wealthy white men to polling stations in fleets of Lincoln Navigator stretch limos. For those who didn’t want to leave their mansions and wealth even for a few hours, convoys of rented Brinks armored trucks transported their piles of gold, fabulous jewellery and priceless paintings along with them.

At the polling booths, other volunteers fanned any of the elite voters who had to stand in line for up to several minutes, although most were able to use white privilege to force their way to the front of the line. More volunteers were standing by to hand out silken gloves so that the rich people wouldn’t have to touch the same voting screens as ordinary voters.

In states such as Georgia, where Democrat Michelle Nunn went down in defeat at the hands of Republican Scott Perdue, volunteers worked throughout the day to man makeshift landing strips in parking lots donated by corporate backers such as Walmart and big oil companies, enabling private jets to fly in millionaire and billionaire voters. As darkness fell in Lilburn, a small town near the state capital, volunteers purchased hundreds of garden torches from a nearby Home Depot, which they held aloft to create a human runway, enabling the steady stream of Learjets and Gulfstreams to continue landing until the polls closed.

In remote coastal areas of North Carolina, where GOP challenger Thom Tillis defeated by a narrow margin Democrat incumbent Kay Hagan, volunteers manned speed boats to ferry wealthy voters from private yachts anchored offshore. Where docks weren’t available, parties of volunteers carried the rich people from the small boats to the shore through the gently lapping surf in ornate Sedan chairs.

The Kochs and GOP strategist Karl Rove directed the operation from a disused oil tanker, registered in the Bahamas, which was moored somewhere off the Eastern seaboard. Radar cloaking technology rendered the vessel invisible to Federal Election Commission monitors.  Meanwhile, the less-well known Koch sisters provided coffee and home-baked cakes to weary GOP volunteers.