Kindergarteners to textbook review panel: “the universe is about six years old”

AUSTIN, Texas — Angry kindergarteners gathered in the Texas state capitol on Monday to demand that the State Board of Education allow them to participate in the debate regarding new K-12 science textbooks.

While most members of the state’s review board are in favor of standard textbooks, creationists are asking that sections contrary to their views be removed. These include discussions about Earth’s age as well as human evolution, both of which are based on “shoddy science,” say the creationists.

“Let us have our say about such matters,” said Jeff Arellano, a six-year-old from El Paso who has assumed a leadership role in the loosely-organized group. “There are more than two sides to this issue.”

In the question about Earth’s age, some creationists are asking for the inclusion of footnotes stating that estimations about Earth’s age vary wildly, from 6000 years — a number based on biblical chronology — to 4.5 billion years, the figure most scientists cite as fact.

The kindergarteners say they are pretty sure that both Earth and the universe are “between five to seven years old.” Some kindergarteners are even suggesting the universe is about three years old, since all memories of events before 2010 are “kinda fuzzy.”

Arellano and his fellow protestors are also weighing in about the question of whether to call human evolution a fact or a theory. Although the vast majority of biologists say evolution is a scientifically-proven phenomenon, creationists contend we lack enough evidence to make such a claim.

The kindergarteners are not swayed by either side.

“Humans neither evolved from other species, nor were we created by an omnipotent deity,” Arellano said. “Our belief is that every person on Earth was implanted in our mothers’ bellies by a now-absent man only known as ‘that guy’ who resides either in the sky, or with a ‘blonde witch named Cassie’ in a townhouse outside of Houston.”