I’ve seen ‘The Force Awakens,’ and here are my 7 biggest gripes (spoiler-esque!)

Star Wars VII: The Force Awakens: spoilers and complaintsAlong with 50 other lucky people, I was chosen by some hackers to watch a pirated version of Star Wars: The Force Awakens” in a Detroit squat. Yes, the movie is totally cool, and yes, I started sobbing three seconds into the opening sequence and I didn’t stop until my host put me in a headlock and told me to shut up. Usually, I’m such a huge “Star Wars” fanboy that I’m willing to overlook a few inconsistencies and the occasional plot hole, but the folks behind “The Force Awakens” let me down more than a few times.  

Here are my seven biggest complaints:

The sad fate of Jar Jar Binks

Obviously, no one over the age of five ever liked Jar Jar Binks, but was it really necessary to show him being tortured and dismembered? Also, if director JJ Abrams wanted to kill Jar Jar off — symbolically and literally — he could have done so humanely, and without the corny “ouchy, mesa no liking when yousa shocking me Gungan ballsies” line.

Merchandising 

Why do the characters in the movie all carry around action figures of themselves? I know that half of what makes “Star Wars” the most successful sci-fi franchise in history is the merchandise, but inserting plastic toys in the actual movie is clunky and weird.

C-3PO’s metallic tryst 

Since “Revenge of the Sith” was released all the way back in 2005, we have made a lot of progress in terms of accepting LGBT characters in movies. And yes, deep down, we always knew that C-3PO was gay. We were okay with that. But whose idea was it to dedicate a full six minutes, 47 seconds of screen time to showing the brassy-assed bot having clanky and totally unlubed (ouch!) carnal relations with the cargo pilot droid DIK-69 in a Takodana spaceport hangar? That scene should have never made it through pre-production.

Off-screen grudges in the movie 

John Boyega, who plays Finn — the First Order stormtrooper who defects to join the Resistance — totally breaks the fourth wall during a battle scene by looking directly into the camera and saying, “Dad, I know you didn’t want me to become an actor, but here I am, and now I have the effin’ lead role in ‘Star Wars.’” Don’t outbursts like that belong in a drunken awards ceremony speech — instead of in the final cut of the movie?

Adult humor 

Why does Hans Solo “absentmindedly” scratch his crotch and mutter something about lice treatment whenever someone mentions Chewbacca’s visit to a medical unit? Adults might snicker at the bawdiness, but this joke will totally go over the heads of young audience members.

Attempts to make the franchise ‘female friendly’ 

So, “Star Wars” is now supposed to be “female friendly,” but simply putting an intermission pee break in the middle of the movie doesn’t cut it.

Residual weirdness about that kiss

Considering that siblings Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia already tongued each other in “The Empire Strikes Back,” thereby creating the biggest yuck moment in the franchise’s history, what were the filmmakers thinking when they decided to have the now 60-something twins pretend to make out after their ship gets hit with a blast from a laser cannon ? Was it to annoy Hans? Does this incident set up a future plot twist? Or is it just an inside joke on all those fans who are still grossed out by the infamous first kiss?

-Eric Ortiz is a drifter and self-described movie junkie from Michigan