Following days of rampant hooliganism and violence at Euro 2016, a spokesperson for ISIS — which had hoped to carry out attacks at the month-long championship — says the terror organization will instead just let soccer fans destroy each other.
“Our plan was years in the works,” said Western European project coordinator Akmed al-Buttholi. “Sleeper cells spread over France were supposed to simultaneously detonate bombs in dozens of narrow streets where drunk fans were gathered, so that even the ones who escaped the initial blasts would trample each other as they were running away.”
“Brother Abu [al-Goatamour] even went so far as to run a computer simulation, and Brother Mullah [al-Horni] put together a fine PowerPoint presentation for future martyrs how to avoid getting STDs from loose harlots in the afterlife.”
Despite all the work that went into the plan, al-Buttholi says that he and his team are content just to stand aside and let the punches, kicks and headbutts fall where they may.
“At the end of the day, what we really want are mass casualties, and that’s what these hooligans are giving us,” he said. “Have you seen what the Russians and Englishmen did? Absolutely brutal, smashing each other’s faces with metal chairs, bottles and sign posts.”
“Brother Khaled [al-Squeameeshi] was so horrified when he saw the video on YouTube that he puked all over the floor,” he added.