Iran delights inspectors with access to off-limits sites

charlie_factoryUnited Nations inspectors in Iran say they were thrilled to discover that sites suspected of being used to produce weapons-grade uranium are actually magical places full of surprise and wonder.

Iranian President Hassan Rouhani, wearing a smart tuxedo, personally led the inspectors through an enchanted underground sweets factory, pausing every now and then to delight the group with an impressive array of card tricks.

Afterwards, the group was offered a surprise meet-and-greet with actor Jake Gyllenhaal, who was costumed as the title character of his 2010 hit “Prince of Persia.”

Jake Gyllenhaal leads British inspector Lloyd James-Butler to one of Iran's many hidden and magical recreated 11th- Century Persian villages.

Jake Gyllenhaal leads British inspector Lloyd James-Butler to one of Iran’s many hidden and magical recreated 11th- Century Persian villages.

Gyllenhaal took the group on a swashbuckling tour of an 11th-Century Persian fantasy village, replete with people dressed as Zoroastrian mystics, wily horse thieves, googly-eyed astronomers and gorgeous veiled damsels.

“Why, there are no weapons factories here, no underground plants where uranium is being enriched,” said Lloyd James-Butler, one of three Britons on the inspection team. “I daresay all these secret sites are mere funfairs, places where even the stodgiest fellow is free to play and be merry.”

The inspection team was scheduled to depart the country Friday evening but they decided to extend their trip in order to visit the former American Embassy, unused since 1979, which has been overrun by beautiful, winged Persian leopards.