Immigrants infecting US citizens with polyglotism

Polyglotism, multilingualism, disease, immigration, outbreak, disease, spoof, parody, humor ATLANTA — The rise in the number of immigrants in the U.S. is responsible for an outbreak of a disease that affects brain functioning and the ability to verbally communicate, according to a new report.

Experts say immigrants are being allowed to enter the country even though they exhibit obvious signs of polyglotism, a cognitive disorder caused by exposure to the viruses Lingua nova and Lingua externa.

Polyglotism causes a change in the way an individual gathers and processes linguistic data, which can result in confusion, panic and incomprehensible speech.

Laura Denton, a 22-year-old Texas Tech senior, was infected with polyglotism in March after she travelled to Cancun, Mexico with a group of friends for spring break.

Robert and Patricia Denton say when their daughter returned, she was almost unrecognizable: disheveled, easily irritated and barely able to speak properly. Stumped, their family doctor referred her to a neurologist who confirmed she had contracted polyglotism.

Polyglotism infection spring break cancun, mexico

Although many U.S. students are exposed to polyglotism during spring break trips, a surprising few are infected.

“It’s heartbreaking,” Patricia said. “You’d never think in a million years that your daughter could go on a spring break trip and come back with a horrible disease, but that’s what happened.”

The Dentons believe a local bartender named Javier intentionally gave polyglotism to their daughter, but Mexican authorities declined to investigate the matter.

According to the Centers for Disease Control, global rates of polyglotism have been increasing steadily during the past few decades, but so far the United States has remained relatively unaffected.

The main reason the U.S. is currently experiencing a spike in the rate of polyglotism is that immigrants, many of whom enter the country illegally, are not checked for the disease at border crossings and other ports of entry such as airports. Also, the demand for immigration officers has led to training in which the danger of polyglotism is ignored, say critics.

A Department of Homeland Security spokesperson says while anyone can spread the infection, certain foreign nationals are less likely to be carriers, particularly those from Great Britain, New Zealand, Australia, and certain European countries like France and Italy.

“There is almost no chance that someone from rural England, for example, has polyglotism, unless that person has widely travelled, or engaged in repeated lovemaking with a gorgeous student from, say, Brazil,” says Bertrand Finkelstein, a specialist in cognitive neuroscience. “At least that’s how I got infected. Eu te amo, Mariana.”

Polyglotism, multilingualism, disease infection

A foreign lingua virus attacking a native cell

Experts say the best way to avoid getting infected is by staying away from people who are symptomatic, particularly those from other countries, or those who have recently travelled abroad. Symptoms include difficulty speaking, confusion, excessive annoyance and manic hand gesturing.

“Since I live in Chicago, where there are a great number of immigrants, I’ve personally decided to homeschool my daughters, just to keep them safe,” Finkelstein said.

Epidemiologists say polyglotism is not a new disease, and it is even cited in the Book of Genesis as a punishment for mankind’s hubris.

Many historical figures, ranging from Benjamin Franklin to Queen Victoria, are believed to have suffered from polyglotism. Several celebrities have known to have the disease. These include Sandra Bullock, Viggo Mortensen and Gwyneth Paltrow, but in most cases they try to hide their polyglotism from the world, as it is seen as a stigma that could damage their careers.