Ignored nations try desperately to get attention from NSA

The 47 nations implore the NSA to direct its deep and penetrating gaze in their direction.

The 47 nations implore the NSA to direct its deep and penetrating gaze in their direction.

In a poorly encrypted document sent to the NSA, a group of 47 nations claiming to be a “syndicate of attention-worthy, beautiful rogue states” is reminding the NSA not to forget about them.

The document was sealed in an envelope with the words “top secret” written in bright red ink. Because the individual letters were written backwards, NSA analysts needed several hours to decrypt the message.

“Greetings fellow rogue states,” the document begins. “This is a reminder that much goes on in our countries, a lot of important, secret things that the United States must never discover.”

The rest of the document is a bulleted list of the 47 nations that say suspicious activities within their borders should be of great interest to the NSA.

Included is Andorra, the small, mountainous country tucked between Spain and France. The document says that in the winter, some pretty important people go skiing there, “including a few cousins of minor arms traffickers, as well as children of low-ranking members of the criminal organization the Pink Panthers who can’t afford to go skiing in the Alps.”

“The Andorran Pyrenees,” the document says, “is where magic comes to life.”

The entry for Kiribati, the tiny island nation in the South Pacific, notes that President Anote Tong might be up to no good, having allowed some rich and suspicious Italians to moor their yachts at the harbor, and they might be laundering money — or not.

“There’s only one way the United States could ever find out,” the document says, “and that’s by having the NSA direct its deep, penetrating gaze upon our friendly citizens and many beautiful atolls.”

One of the larger nations on the list is Iceland — “very worthy of being spied upon,” according to the document. “Iceland is host to a number of subversive political groups, such as the Pirate Party, which is supportive of Edward Snowden, dangerous NSA leaker and arch-enemy of President Obama.”

“Pure. Natural. Unspoiled. Iceland. The Way Life Should Be,” the document says.

An NSA spokeswoman said the agency would look into the matter, but cautioned that NSA agents can’t spy on everyone, all the time.