Ignore all this crazy Ebola talk, CDC says

CDC director Thomas Frieden in a hazmat suit tells reporters to tell the public not to worry.

CDC director Dr. Thomas Frieden tells the country not to panic, and he asks Americans instead to focus on happy things, like the smell of root beer and the feeling of thrusting your fingers into a canister of Play-Doh.

ATLANTA — Relax, and let us worry for you.

That is the message from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention amid growing panic over the Ebola virus. The CDC is asking the public to think of Ebola as more like a bad thought than an actual threat to one’s body, insisting the only way to get through this mess is by staying positive.

“Try to recall how good you felt after getting your first paycheck,” said CDC director Dr. Thomas Frieden, needlessly appearing in a Level A hazmat suit. “Or close your eyes and imagine it’s 1987, and Kirstie Alley has joined the cast of ‘Cheers,’ and you’re in medical school, and you’re high as a kite one night, and you see her on TV and you’re like, ‘damn she’s hot.’”

“Or whatever works for you,” he added.

Katherine Lyon Daniel, the center’s communications director, is going around the country in a plastic bubble, advising people to avoid spreading baseless fear.

“Plenty of individuals in the media and in our workplaces are saying things like, ‘watch out, the Ebola is gonna get you,’ but that’s nonsense,” Daniel said. “Ebola is not like some dumb blockbuster, coming soon to theaters near you, nor is it like an old friend you haven’t seen in 10 years showing up at your door all drugged out, asking for a little something-something to line his pocket, and you feel too ashamed to say no because you were the one who got him introduced him to the smack.”

Daniel says Ebola is more like a fox, because it only bites you if you catch it.

“Just don’t go out of your way to catch the Ebola fox,” she said. “Look at it, sure, but if you notice it bleeding from its eyes and projectile vomiting, keep your distance and call the authorities.”