Hrthoz is good

HrthozMy fellow inhabitants of Earth, be not afraid.

Over the centuries, Hrthoz has been given many names. Lord of the Eternal Choom. Sage of Shikaakwa. Juris Doctor and Bestower of Many Gifts. These are titles truly befitting of Hrthoz, for Hrthoz is wise and benevolent.

In the year of eight and two thousand, and again 52 moon cycles later, Hrthoz was chosen as potentate not to be incarnated as Swinger of Swords, but to be Usher of Peace and Redresser of Many Grievances. Hrthoz worked hard after his ascendency, and Hrthoz spent many grueling years trying to break bread with Republican adversaries, even as they spoke with a forked tongue, and deceived Hrthoz by hiding their loyalties with constituents under the pecuniary spell of the Sorcerers Koch.

Hrthoz tried to work with Congress. Hrthoz wanted to work with Congress. But Congress did not want to work with Hrthoz. Hrthoz became angry, and Hrthoz remembered when he was stung a thousand times by giant poisonous caterpillars sent by evil Emperor Xanthad who wanted to stop Hrthoz from transforming into a powerful frog and making love to the water nymph Gnenala, after which Hrthoz destroyed and rebuilt the universe with a mere flick of his sticky tongue.

But nowadays, Hrthoz is master of his emotions. Hrthoz did not respond to partisan stonewalling by building a throne for himself in the seat of Washington. Nor did Hrthoz adopt the title Obamus Rexus and destroy Congress with a wag of one of his many razor-sharp tails. Hrthoz respected constitutional limits, and Hrthoz only did what Congress had failed to do. Hrthoz repaired something that was broken, thereby earning him the title Fixer of Broken Immigration Systems.

So, fear not. Hrthoz remains hurt and frustrated by Congress, but Hrthoz will never allow his fury to transform Hrthoz into an incarnation of the venerable and fearsome Eff-di-Arr, also known as the First, Second, Third and Fourth Protector. Hrthoz is neither Impaler of Enemies, nor is Hrthoz Seeker of Vengeance. He is, and will forever be, Hrthoz the Beneficent.

Hrthoz is an avid cyclist, experienced time traveller and former law professor. His 1995 book “Dreams from My Father,” a treatise on interdimensional communication with deceased beings, was a bestseller in 38 countries and 23 planets.