Texas voter ID law unfair to amnesiacs

holder2AUSTIN, Texas — The Justice Department has filed a lawsuit against the state of Texas, where a voter identification law will soon be implemented. The suit, filed in federal court on Thursday, alleges the law will obstruct the state’s amnesiacs from voting.

US Attorney General Eric Holder said the law targets individuals who “can’t remember who the heck they are” from obtaining an ID, thereby preventing them from voting, which violates the Voting Rights Act and the Constitution’s 14th and 15th Amendments.

Texas health officials estimated in a 2007 report that at least 32,000 amnesiacs live in Texas, with 2,600 alone in Austin, the state capital.

Texas Governor Rick Perry countered the Justice Department’s complaint, admitting that while Texas was home to a large population of amnesiacs — particularly “college-aged men and beer-bellied cowboys” who have returned from a night of drinking and whoring in border towns — very few of Texas amnesiacs are in a fugue state and truly cannot remember who they are.

“Don’t let the Justice Department fool you into believing that all amnesiacs are like the kickass Jason Bourne, or Goldie Hawn’s sappy character in ‘Overboard,’” Perry said. “And even if some gal can’t remember who she is, chances are that computerized face-recognition will lead us to her Facebook profile.”

In response to Governor Perry’s defiance of the federal government, Holder is becoming more outspoken, ramping up his threats by saying that if Texas doesn’t overturn the voter ID law, Holder himself will “turn Perry into an amnesiac” with his “two best friends.” He then held up his fists.

“Bring it,” said Perry in a press release.

The ACLU also voiced its support for the state’s amnesiac population, saying that not being able “to recall your name, where you were born, or if you are even registered to vote in Texas or any state” does not provide legal grounds for Texas to block you from participating in elections.

Most amnesiacs in Texas say they are relieved the Justice Department is taking a stand against discriminatory laws — and that they look forward to remembering who you are.

One Austin resident, who goes by the nickname Toker, said he can’t remember his real name, after having once ingested an entire sheet of LSD — or so he believes. He’s not sure. He said he welcomes the Justice Department’s move to secure his right to vote, and that he really would like to vote, but his feet have been glued to the sidewalk by either his former kindergarten teacher or a sort of “shingy, duckish verbatal shork.”