Hillary: ‘Nothing short of a nuclear blast will take me out’

Hillary Clinton is turning into a cockroach and can survive a nuclear blast, reports saySEATTLE — Former secretary of state Hillary Clinton assured a group of Democratic donors on Thursday that the scandal known as “Emailgate” stands no chance of damaging what many see as her inevitable run for the presidency in 2016.

“Nothing short of a nuclear blast will take out the Hillary, and even then it’d have to be at least in the 10 to 20 megaton range,” she said, turning to reveal what appeared to be a thick brown shell. “You don’t get this far in politics without being able to repel a few daggers.”

Clinton says that the scandal, and the supposed leaking of the private server story by Obama confidante Valerie Jarrett, were in fact both orchestrated by Clinton herself as a show of her impenetrable defenses. Also, she says, she was just bored.

“I deleted thousands of official State Department emails ‘cause I didn’t want anyone to see them, and polls still say I’m up 10 points on every other potential Democratic candidate,” she said. “Can you believe that? I’m what entomologists call ‘hardy.’”

“But don’t you dare assume that getting this superhuman resilience was easy, or that the transformation from homely law student to beautiful human cockroach was without suffering,” she added. “It’s taken me 40 years of a high-calcium diet, regular trips to a mad orthopedic surgeon in an insane asylum in Mexico, and daily leaps off of tall buildings to grow this thing,” she added. “But now, the New York Times can’t kill me. The GOP can’t kill me. President Obama, Pelosi, Reid, all the Democrats, and even the fanged murderous ghost of FDR himself can’t kill me.”

When asked by reporters why her shell didn’t help to win her the Democratic nomination in 2008, she said that she had been caught off guard by the newcomer from Illinois who came out of left field literally floating in a protective rainbow-colored bubble that even she could not penetrate with her fearsome mandibles.