Buoyed by polls that show her in a strong lead over rival Donald Trump, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is expressing hope that she will soon be able to flush away a turd that she accidentally left in a White House toilet at the end of her husband’s second term.
Clinton opened up to the Dandy Goat about her foul experience, saying that while occasionally slipping into the ladies’ room is normal behavior — even serving as proof that one is indeed human — having one’s own butt dumpling found by the wrong person could be career-ending.
“It was back in January of 2001, literally minutes before we handed over the keys to the Bush family, and my stomach was in knots so I snuck upstairs to a seldom-used washroom, where I thought I was safe, to drop a deuce,” Clinton said. “When I heard voices down the hall, I got scared and made a run for it without even sending the evil brown turtle to meet its maker. Turned out the voice was Laura Bush, around the corner, telling a contractor how she thought that having a bathroom attached to a receiving room was vulgar, and how she wanted it sealed off immediately.”
“I saw the workers following her orders, and as far as I know, the bathroom was never opened again, and my poor turd has been sitting there all alone for 16 years,” she said. “About six or seven years ago, I confided in [former White House deputy chief of staff for operations] Jim Messina, and he kindly tried to bust open the door for me with a crowbar, but the Secret Service guys caught him and he only avoided getting arrested by acting like he was high on weed the Big Boss had shared with him.”
“It’s not that I don’t want to be president, and on the contrary, I think it will be fun to be called Madame President and get to order generals around,” she continued. “But man, campaigning and fundraising and getting pressured to give interviews is a lot of work. Still, I’m sure it will be worth it when I finally bust my way into that bathroom, feel that cold metal lever in my hand as I depress it and see my shamefully large turd swirling round and round until it disappears forever.”
“Unless it’s completely petrified by now,” she added. “I hope it doesn’t clog up all the pipes in the whole damn mansion.”