Hero returns after week of saving refugee children, or something

Kelly Ripa returns after week of saving refugee children, or somethingNEW YORK — The nation paused on Tuesday to celebrate the return of Kelly Ripa, a hero who had gone missing for a week.

“I’m back,” declared the ABC host, whose unexplained week-long absence from “Live” plunged the nation into fears that something terrible had happened to the 45-year-old national treasure.

Experts now believe that Ripa spent the week risking her life in a dinghy saving refugee children from drowning in the Mediterranean, and that she only took breaks in order to arrange a surprise birthday party for an elderly, incontinent neighbor of hers and to research a solution to the California water crisis.

It’s also fair to surmise that once she gets caught up on sleep, Ripa will go back to brokering a peace deal between rebel groups and Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, take a bullet for a stranger in a botched robbery attempt, and personally put braces on the teeth of hundreds of impoverished schoolchildren who are too ashamed to even smile.

As for her summer plans, it’s not hard to imagine that Ripa will arm Christian militias in ISIS-held territory, invent a device to allow blind people to watch morning shows, and, if time permits, interview Australian heartthrob Hugh Jackman in advance of the release of his new movie “X-Men: Who Really Cares Anymore?”

One source indicates that Ripa also wants to show off her new beach body and share a really fun recipe for artichoke dip, perfect for summer BBQs and pools parties.