Hamas tunnel blunder leads to Mexican mayhem, violent death

Hamas tunnel project ends up in MexicoNearly four months after the end of the summer war between Israel and Hamas terrorists, an ambitious Hamas tunneling project to infiltrate northern Israel ended in bloodshed early Thursday after the tunnelers, who had become hopelessly disorientated and continued digging for over 7,000 miles in the wrong direction, inadvertently broke into a tunnel in northern Mexico constructed by a drug cartel to smuggle cocaine into the United States.

Having tunneled out of cell-phone range, the team was unaware that the conflict had ended in late August with Israeli forces inflicting heavy losses on the Palestinian terrorist organization.  And they were ill-equipped for what turned out to be a four-month underground mission.

“Apparently dozens of the brothers died from hunger and exhaustion during the operation,” said Hamas tunnels project manager Abu Mustafa Al Abu Abu, interviewed in his Gaza office. “The others managed to survive on salt water and algae that seeped into the tunnel as it passed under the Atlantic. They didn’t take any supplies with them because they thought they’d be back in Gaza for afternoon tea.”

When the handful of Hamas gunmen who reached the end of the tunnel alive finally broke through into an existing underground passage, they thought they had found a tunnel dug by rivals Palestinian Islamic Jihad.

And they then made one more fatal mistake. Instead of turning right, which would have taken them to the U.S., where they would have received food stamps, free housing and likely amnesty, they turned left, towards the tunnel’s point of origin in northern Mexico.

When they emerged from the tunnel mouth near the border town of Nogales, they were met by enraged members of the Tijuana drug cartel, who ironically are just as fond of beheading their foes as fanatical jihadists.

By the time Mexican police arrived on the scene, only one of the Hamas infiltrators was left alive. “The cartel made short work of those Muslim gringos,” said Captain Carlos Del Santos during an interview with the Dandy Goat’s Mexico correspondent. “They thought the Arabs were trying to muscle in on the cartel’s action. Nobody does that to them and lives. Except us cops.”

The sole surviving Hamas terrorist, Abu Ibn Al Subterranee, described his shock and horror at what unfolded from his hospital bed, where he was recovering after surgeons re-attached his partially severed head in an experimental operation and removed an AK-47 assault rifle from his rectum.

“When we came out of the tunnel, we thought we were going to find kindergarten kids and unarmed civilians,” he rasped. “We hardly had time to yell ‘Allahu Al Akbar!’ before we saw all these guys with sombreros and big moustaches. They didn’t look like Jews at all, and they smelled of tequila. We thought we were well-armed, but they had heavy machine guns and rocket launchers. We never stood a chance.”

“The worst bit was when they started beheading us,” he continued. “What kind of sick people would do that to another human being without first invoking the blessings of Allah?”

Back in Gaza, Hamas officials blamed a fault with the GPS devices used for navigation by their tunneling teams. “Nobody told us that GPS devices don’t work underground,” complained Mr. Al Abu Abu, before being led away by Hamas gunmen to be thrown off a tall building.