Future PR flubs of the Islamic State

Shakir Wahiyib, ISIS, parody, satire, spoof

Shakir Wahiyib, the ISIS executioner praised for having ‘the prettiest asshole,’ was always a head of his time.

Fatigued by years of ordering bombing sorties and giving impassioned speeches condemning the barbarity of ISIS, by 2020 leaders from the outside world give up. Before long, the Islamic State is just an everyday, normal country — much like Turkmenistan or Somalia. But what will the future look like for the band of angry jihadis when the time comes to take off their ninja pajamas?

2022: Now recognized by the United Nations, the Islamic State welcomes its first official visitors, including the Russian foreign minister and the beaming president of Venezuela. The welcoming fireworks display goes awry, however, when in all the excitement, the visiting dignitaries are beheaded. The UN promises to conduct a full investigation.

2024: Zainab (better known as “Zizi”), the adored but reclusive 17th wife of Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, suddenly disappears from public life, forcing the caliph’s press secretary to sheepishly admit that following a dispute with the other wives, Zizi was beheaded. Plans for a line of designer Zizi full-face veils are subsequently shelved.

2026: The success of the ISIS tourism board in increasing the number of visitors proves short-lived when a Thomas Cook report charges that at least half of the travellers who enter the caliphate on a tourist visa end up getting beheaded. The formerly lauded tourism slogan “You’ll go head over heels for ISIS” is scrapped.

2030: Angry that sanctions imposed on the Islamic State are having deleterious effects on the health of children in the caliphate, hundreds of foreign student activists form a “human wave” and rush into the country bearing medical supplies and Arabic translations of Antonio Gramsci. Although they expect to be greeted as comrades and liberators, the students are immediately beheaded. The media say the massacre is the logical outcome of decades of Western oppression.

2035: An attempt to host an international conference on solar energy at the newly rebuilt University of Mosul goes terribly wrong when instead of being given name tags, dozens of foreign scientists are instead beheaded. The university blames the mistake on an interpreter who misunderstood the phrase “let’s put our heads together.” The families of the deceased attendees are offered two Kalashnikovs and a handmade ISIS flag as compensation.

2038: Musa (affectionately called “Mumu” by his family), the caliph’s eldest son, organizes a nationwide celebration to mark his succession. However, his bodyguards are forced to whisk him away when, during a procession down Mosul’s Abu Musab al-Zarqawi Boulevard, cheering spectators get so excited that they start beheading each other — and then themselves.

2056: The Islamic State is handed a 20-year ban from participating in the Olympic Games when IOC officials visiting the country to discuss the Islamic State’s proposal to host the 2080 summer games are beheaded. The caliph is so embarrassed that he hires a New York public relations firm for damage control, but the consultants fail to improve international perception of the Islamic State. The caliph sends assassins to New York to behead them all. When the assassins return after failing, the caliph orders them beheaded.

2063: Textile executives in the Islamic State are eager to export the country’s trademark ninja pajamas style of clothing, which have become popular in Western hip-hop culture. However, the idea goes south when music and fashion mogul Lay-Z (grandson of Jay-Z) and his entourage are beheaded after they get into an argument with customs officials who want to inspect their bags for alcohol and drugs.

2071: To mark the hundredth anniversary of the birth of the first caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi — who once swore that Islam would take over the galaxy — the Islamic State attempts to send the first jihadis into space. However, the rockets explode during launch, forcing Islamic State officials to admit that weeks prior, the project’s engineers confessed that they were behind schedule, so they were all beheaded.

2115: First-ever open elections are cancelled when all the opposition candidates and hundreds of election monitors are beheaded. The country breaks into civil war, with people beheading each other left and right. Years later, a more liberal caliph creates a reconciliation committee to help to restore everyone’s faith in the regime, but when the committee recommends that half the country’s population be beheaded, a new round of fighting starts.