Finally, protection for self-pleasuring jihadis to avoid ‘pregnant hands’ in afterlife

Hand condom for masturbating jihadis to avoid hand pregnancies in afterlifeFollowing claims by an Islamic preacher that men who masturbate will “find their hands pregnant in the afterlife,” a Yemeni start-up called Holy Warz that sells jihadist gear has begun offering hand condoms.

Although the item is light-weight and comfortable, it offers the protection of a falconry glove, according to the manufacturer’s website. It is made from latex blessed by an imam and adorned with a ferocious-looking veiled figure to remind users of the reproachful mothers or wives who will be left behind.

“At a price of only 10 riyals ($2.50), the hand condom is affordable to even the most cash-strapped suicide bomber who would like to tug the tiger’s tail one last time before being blown into glorious martyrdom,” said Shaher Saeed, who founded the company last year with his two brothers. “Our colorful hand condoms are lightly textured to ensure pleasure, but not too much.”

The item is already a huge seller in the international jihadi market where ISIS fighters and savage executioners deal with stress and guilt by rampant self-pleasure — yet remain fearful of soon facing their disapproving maker in the afterlife. Also, many jihadis worry that greeting their allotted 72 virgins with thousands of embryos growing on their palms, all crying out “daddy, daddy,” will be an instant libido killer.

Mucahid Cihad Han, the preacher who issued the warning about masturbation, says that the development of a hand condom is a move in the right direction, but he believes that something resembling an industrial-grade oven mitt covered in small spikes would be a better way to prevent one’s hand from getting pregnant in the afterlife — and act as a simple deterrent in the first place.

Still, other experts believe that the hand condom does not provide nearly enough protection, and that Saeed’s company is deceiving customers.

“When a man goes to battle against himself wielding his own skin scimitar, he cannot know where his seed will be spilt,” said Fayhan al-Khaibari, a religious scholar from Saudi Arabia. “Imagine your horror and embarrassment upon meeting Allah and finding little children growing on your ankles, knees, and even eyelids.”