Feeble-minded Ugandan devotes life to priesthood

KYETUME, Uganda — Father Nakalinzi, a 67-year-old priest from the outskirts of Kampala, has devoted his life to the priesthood because his feeble brain was washed, according to a report in Freethinker, an atheist British magazine.

The authors of the report say that Nakalinzi, who was clearly bullied by the group of selfless nuns who raised him after being orphaned at a young age, was never able to develop the cognitive faculties to have chosen another vocation.

Because of this handicap, as well as his unfamiliarity with the tradition of European analytic philosophy, Nakalinzi had no choice but to remain in his mental cage. That he chose to attend a seminary was a consequence of the nuns’ manipulative practice of providing him with food, clothes and a Catholic education, the report claims.

Nakalinzi, who was transferred in 2010 to St. Paul’s Catholic Church in Kyetume, admits that his lack of intellectual fortitude prevented him from choosing another, more sensible vocation like fashion photographer or journalist.

“Believe it or not, when I was very young and my mind was still open, there were many things I wanted to do with my life,” said Nakalinzi. “But in the end, I espoused my inherited irrationality and I made a solemn and stupid vow to give my life to serving my community as a priest.”

In addition to making home visits to sick parishioners who are unable to travel to mass, the uneducated Nakalinzi enjoys reading books of classic literature and painting landscapes, two activities that help him forget just how dim he really is.

And how does he feel about being a devoted cog in an oppressive global institution whose only purpose is to deceive people into believing there’s an afterlife that’s attainable by following the example of loving messiah, while at the same time acquiring vast stores of treasure that could better be used to feed the world instead of buying a faster popemobile for the powerful pontiff?

“Oh, I really enjoy it,” Nakalinzi said. “I know many sharp people out there could destroy me in a debate, but I really find helping the poor and spreading God’s word to be fulfilling, if not a sign of inescapable gormlessness.”