Eww! Michael Phelps observed spawning after Olympic event

 

Michael Phelps observed spawning after Olympic eventRIO DE JANEIRO — Claiming that such behavior is a “biological imperative” and his “right as the holder of countless world records,” U.S. swimmer Michael Phelps was observed by judges and spectators on Monday spawning after competing in the 200-meter butterfly semifinals.

The milky cloud that Phelps, 31, left in his wake in the pool at the Olympic Aquatics Stadium contains millions of spermatozoa, according to experts.

“That was so good,” a fatigued Phelps was heard saying as he exited the pool.

While the act of spawning on live television may seem indiscreet or even deliberately provocative, experts say that Phelps might have been unable to control himself, especially if female swimmers — who competed in the same pool just hours before — themselves spawned, releasing into the water an estimated 200 million eggs.

Former Olympics coach and marine biologist Hans Fischmann told the Dandy Goat that spawning while competing is very common, as most professional swimmers are simply too busy to find private spots in lakes, rivers and coastal waters, and that spawning is simply viewed as a healthy way to relax after fierce competition.

“Try telling gymnasts or sprinters to abstain from sexual activity during the two-and-a-half weeks of the Olympic Games, during which they are surrounded by the hottest and most physically fit humans on the planet, and you’d be jeered out of the room,” Fischmann said. “Well, swimmers are just like other young, horny competitors, except that they’re of a different breed, and they have different ways of doing things.”

“Let the cyclists and archers go to packed dance clubs to bump and grind,” he added. “Swimmers mate the old-fashioned way.”

Some experts fear that with all of the doping that has gone on undetected, some residual performance enhancing drugs might have been sweated into the pools, meaning that any fertilized eggs could turn into a future crop of super swimmers, some of whom might even have flippers and tails instead of human limbs. Consequently, unlike in previous years when fertilized eggs were sucked into pool skimmers and trapped by filters, this year they will be meticulously collected and sent to a state-of-the-art research and Olympics training facility in Australia.