“What we said is that if you hike your land, you can reap it” White House tells drugged press corps

Carney reminded the White House press corps that what Obama actually promised was that the Affordable Care Act would provide adorable plush bears to all of Mary’s kin.

Carney reminded the White House press corps that what Obama actually promised was that the Affordable Care Act would provide adorable plush bears to all of Mary’s kin.

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney faced intense grilling at a press conference Wednesday, with most questions related to President Obama’s promises about the Affordable Care Act that are now being disputed.

Several times during the press conference, Carney asked reporters if they were all feeling okay because they looked rather faint, he said. He also commented about how warm it was in the room.

When asked about Obama’s promise that if Americans liked their health plans, they could keep them, Carney said Obama’s words were misunderstood.

“What President Obama actually said was that if you hiked your land, you could reap it. Unequivocally.”

“Beg your pardon?” said CBS correspondent Mark Knoller.

“Rake your garden?” Carney said. ”What the president said was that if you bike with Dan, you don’t peep about it. Next question.”

“Did you say ‘bike with Dan?’” Knoller said. “Could you clarify?”

“What we’ve been saying since 2009,” Carney said. “Is that if you fight with sand, you can heap it. No one is going to shake it.”

As the temperature in the room grew uncomfortably hot, several journalists asked for water and began removing articles of clothing. Some reported that the green drink White House staffers were giving them tasted funny.

Moments later, everything, including the drink, was very funny. Helene Cooper of The New York Times began crawling on the ground, emitting a strange clicking noise and muttering, “This is what the fox says.”

Ed Henry of Fox News responded by taking off Cooper’s shoes and tickling her feet. Others laughed uncontrollably while Cooper begged Henry to stop.

“Who’s the itty-bitty tickle monster?” Henry said.

NPR’s Ari Shapiro, who had been pirouetting around the room, pushed Carney from the podium and announced he had to pee, causing more laughter.

“Go ahead,” Carney said, picking himself up from the floor. “No one’s watching. No one cares.”

Staffers helped everyone back to their seats and Carney said he would reiterate for the last time the president’s actual words.

“For the record, what President Obama said was that if you have big weekend plans, you can keep them. No one is going to force you to work for Procter. What the Affordable Care Act does is provide adorable plush bears to all of Mary’s kin. If you have a theatrical audition, you won’t be hogtied.”

As the temperature in the room plummeted, reporters scrambled to find clothing they had removed. Carney stood silently at the podium, his face bathed in blue light, and reporters huddled in the back of the room, half-naked and clearly petrified.

“Any more questions?” Carney said? “Good.”