Drug lord escapes from high-security convention

Drug cartel boss escapes from high-security conventionLAS VEGAS — The FDA has launched a nationwide manhunt for one of the world’s most powerful drug lords who escaped from a high-security convention on Thursday.

Robert Pill, a lieutenant in the notorious Pfizer Cartel, was last seen around 10:30 a.m. at the Mandalay Bay Convention Center in Las Vegas before blending in with a tour group of retirees from Nebraska and sneaking out past security guards and event staff.

FDA agent Brad Vax, who spent four years in the Pfizer Cartel working undercover as a supply chain manager, says that Pill rose through the ranks by dazzling his superiors with his detailed knowledge of Latin American distribution networks.

“Pill has overseen the trafficking of Viagra to rural villages in Guatemala, which has led to an increase of violent uprisings in the countryside,” Vax said. “He’s also responsible for a ruthless advertising campaign in Colombia that resulted in more than 200,000 people who suffer from high cholesterol asking their doctors if Lipitor is right for them.”

Pill, who is 54 years old and stands at just over six feet tall, was in Las Vegas to deliver a speech to other major drug organizations about the need to streamline approval processes in emerging African markets in preparation for the next generation of cancer-fighting ALK inhibitors.

“If you see Robert Pill, don’t approach him, don’t speak to him, just contact the FDA and we’ll bring him back for the keynote address, which has incidentally been rescheduled for Friday at 2 p.m.,” Vax said. “He is known to carry dozens of Pfizer-branded items including pens and tote bags, and he’s not afraid to give them out to total strangers.”

This the second such escape in recent memory. In February, CFO Susana “Numbers” Ortega and research unit head Wes “FDA Approval” Wu — both high-ranking members of the GlaxoSmithKline Cartel — escaped while being transported to a pharmaceutical convention in Boston. They remain at large.