Drake assaulted by deranged elderly woman

Drake attacked by old woman named Madonna

Drake, 28, can be seen vomiting in his mouth following the oral assault.

LOS ANGELES — The music superstar Drake is said to be in stable condition after being attacked by an elderly fan at the Coachella music festival on Sunday.

Drake was on stage sitting in chair following a performance when a deranged woman — said to be obsessed with the baby-faced 28-year-old rapper — approached him and forced his head back, nearly breaking his neck. She then went on to plant her elderly mouth on his, inserting a tongue that observers say resembled a “scaly slug” down his throat while horrified audience members gasped.

After having his tonsils viciously pummeled for several seconds, Drake managed to push the woman away, but not before she had left a trail off spittle on his face, likely giving him some sort of infection. He was observed vomiting following the attack.

Security was slow to respond because staff members were fooled into believing the woman was Drake’s grandmother, according to sources.

Drake’s publicist says that he is in remarkable spirits and that after taking a bath in boiling water and gargling a cup of diluted bleach, he is expected to resume performing by as early as next week.

“You’d never think an old lady could move so fast,” Drake said from his hospital bed. “You expect senior citizens to lumber about, but that one basically flew on me, which leads me to wonder if she’s not some sort of witch.”