Danish cows relieved by outrage over zoo killings

cowCOPENHAGEN — The estimated 550,000 cows to be slaughtered in Denmark this year have issued a statement saying they are “greatly relieved” the global community is condemning the practice of animal killings in this savage Northern Europe nation.

“At long last, people are learning about the wanton murders of animals in Denmark,” the statement says. “We are hopeful the world will soon broaden its concern to the nearly 1500 of our bovine brothers and sisters who are killed in this country everyday, using the most ignoble methods.”

In February, workers at Copenhagen Zoo killed an affable, witty giraffe named Marius, publicly chopping him up and feeding him to lions. The killing sparked a storm of global outrage that even led to death threats for zoo staff. This week, the same zoo announced it had euthanized four lions for reasons that don’t matter, but if we were to speculate, we would blame mankind’s hubris. Or maybe zoo employees were simply jealous of the sexy, powerful cats.

The cows say it’s only a question of time before before outrage brews over their killings, too.

“We are confident that at this very moment, our human friends from around the globe are organizing in our defense — contacting the U.N., writing blog posts, sharing Facebook videos of our mass slaughter, and tweeting with the hashtag #DanishCowsAreAnimalsToo,” the statement says.

“We may not live in zoos where people gawk at us all day, and we may not even have names, but we’re people, too,” one cow said. “I’m not worried.”

“Hooray, my animal-rights friends are rescuing me,” he said as he was prodded onto a truck destined for a slaughterhouse forty miles away.