Court finds Ellen guilty of first-degree racism

 

Court finds Ellen guilty of first-degree racism NEW YORK — Calling it a tragedy that was years in the making, the mass media have been forced to sacrifice one of their most prominent members.

On Thursday, Ellen Degeneres, the witty, lovable host of her eponymous talk show, was found of guilty of racism by a court of her peers.

Earlier this week, Degeneres, white, 58, tweeted an image of herself riding on the back of a black man.

“The layperson looks at the photo and finds no offense, recognizing that the black man is a renowned Olympic sprinter, and positing that Ms. Degeneres was merely trying to find a comedic angle to his feats of athleticism,” says Dr. Rafael Delicado, director of the New York-based Offense Awareness Action Network. “But the trained eye knows better, that the photo is nothing less than a loud call to reinstitute slavery in America.”

“The woman is pure evil, and has only blackness, uh, darkness, uh, a lack of luminosity — not in terms of skin color, of course, because I’m speaking metaphorically here — in her heart,” he added.

Degeneres appeared in court wearing a cheerful yellow jumpsuit. Her attempts to make light of the charges by performing her trademark Ellen dance only earned her boos from those in attendance.

“Rise and face this court,” Huffington Post blogger and pro tem judge Sarah Histeria told Degeneres she was led to the bench by interim bailiff and MSNBC producer Hugh Neyjurk.

“We find you guilty of racism in the first degree,” Rubin said. “We hereby sentence you to six years of confinement to local-access television in upstate New York, and to 24 years of having the words ‘known racist’ applied to your name whenever it appears online or in print.”

“And we give you a life sentence of being officially blacklisted on network television,” Rubin continued, her face turning bright red. “Pardon the expression. I meant, well, you know what I meant. Right?”

Salon editor Brian Liddelbrane, 23, who first alerted authorities to the presence of the offending tweet and photo, says that while he regrets that Degeneres, whom he adores, had to be punished, it proves that no one is above the laws of hypersensitivity.

“For years, we’ve had our eyes and ears trained outwardly, on known conservatives, scoundrels and provocateurs like Donald Trump and Ann Coulter,” Liddelbrane told the Dandy Goat. “But in doing so, we failed to look at ourselves to purge the racist elements amongst us.”

“By sacrificing our beloved Ellen, we are proving that no outrage is so contrived, that no offense is so minor, as to not be met with the blunt force of pure moral indignation,” he said.