Clinton to supporters: ‘Stay home on Nov. 8, I’ve got enough votes, thanks’

Clinton urges supporters to stay home on Nov. 8: ‘I’ve got enough votes, thanks’TAMPA, Fla. — Strutting across the stage in front of tens of dozens of supporters, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton said that she is confident she already has enough votes to win the race — and that her supporters should not waste time venturing out to polling stations on Election Day.

“You can all stay home on November 8, I’ve got enough votes, thanks,” she said. “Grant and Emily, my two amazing statisticianologists, tell me that I’ve all but got this thing in the bag, and that the only way Donald Trump can win is if monkeys fly out of my butt.”

“What’s that fluttering of simian wings I feel coming from the lower decks?” she added. “Just joking.”

Experts say that the probability of a Clinton win stands at 99.7 percent — near absolute certainty.

“The likelihood the Donald Trump beats Secretary Clinton is less than half of a percentage point, and what does that amount to?” said Dr. Mario Munoz, professor of food analogies at Tampa Community College. “That’s the salt at the bottom of a jumbo bag of Lays potato chips, the foamy backwash in a bottle of Coors Light. No one ever gives it a second thought. Inconsequential.”

Still, Clinton — who is urging journalists to begin referring to her as Madam President, just to get used to the ring — is reminding supporters not to forget about her altogether, and to make sure to tune in on January 20 of next year for her inauguration.

“Thanks for your support everyone, really, and just take it easy on the second Tuesday of November, maybe go out for a nice pumpkin spice latte, watch a DVD of ‘When Harry Met Sally,’ or just cuddle up close to the one you love,” Clinton said. “Don’t lose four hours waiting in line to cast a ballot for a contest I won last year when I announced I was running for president.”