The North Carolina couple behind the viral “Christmas Jammies” video says they aren’t surprised by its success.
“We excel at pretty much everything we do,” Penn Holderness said in an interview on Wednesday. “I mean, we are richer, funnier, and more talented than everyone we know.”
“We have a lot of friends,” said Kim Holderness, who, as the whole world knows, had a part in “Iron Man 3” and completed a grueling triathlon. “It’s difficult finding time to inform all of them them how wonderful we are. That’s why we made the video.”
The couple’s daughter Lola — who has accomplished more in her six years of life than your unambitious children ever will — said she was recently voted the “most amazing” student in her school.
“I read ‘Moby Dick’ last night,” said the smiling Lola, who, as every schmuck is now aware, speaks Mandarin Chinese, is a music prodigy, and also ran a triathlon. “What has your kid done that’s newsworthy? Nothing.”
Penn Charles, the couple’s four-year-old son, admitted that while his major accomplishment is being the product of superior genes, he’s certain that by next Christmas he’ll have much to brag about.
“I’ll have become the youngest person to climb Mount Everest,” said the boy, who obviously receives heaps of attention for being so perfectly cute. “I’m also thinking of becoming a hip-hop star. We’ll see.”
Experts say the video is as psychically-damaging as the Holderness family could have hoped.
“People who discover this video smile, and then they call over their spouse or children to watch the video, too,” said Dr. Angela Loxham, professor of psychology at Duke. “Toward the end, when we learn that Penn Holderness is a successful news anchor, has a perfect physique and is financially-secure enough to quit his job to make funny videos with his wife, viewers report being overwhelmed by a sense of inadequacy. That gives way to depression, resulting in incapacitating dread.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised if a Christmas Day massacre or a spate of suicides is directly caused by this video,” Loxham said.
“We’re already thinking about next year’s Christmas greeting,” Penn said. “It might be a staged spectacle in Times Square, or it could just be a five-hour recording of us reading from list of impressive feats we’ve accomplished.”
“Merry Christmas,” he added.