News from around the world where -- much to our great shame and discomfort -- the U.S. still runs the show

‘Frankly, we don’t understand why all planes don’t crash,’ admit experts

  Aviation experts are opening up for the first time about airplane crashes, admitting that no one really knows how airplanes manage to stay aloft in the first place. They also admit being “totally stumped” as to why all aircraft don’t immediately plummet back to the ground after takeoff. “Whenever there’s a large commercial airlines […]

Russian jet pilot lands on US carrier, pees on deck, doesn’t wash hands, leaves

  Crew members aboard the aircraft carrier USS Scott Baio were left shocked on Friday when without warning, a Russian pilot landed his jet on the carrier’s flight deck, after which he exited the aircraft and urinated on the deck for as long as 45 seconds before returning to his aircraft to take off. Rear […]

CNN counting just enough white faces on crashed airliner to warrant live coverage

ATLANTA — CNN associate producer Janelle Kalb, who has been closely following breaks in the story of EgyptAir Flight 804 — which crashed in the Mediterranean Sea early Wednesday morning while en route from Paris to Cairo — believes that there might have been just enough white faces on board to warrant live coverage on […]

CIA seeks to ‘Keep Fear Alive’

According to CIA director John Brennan, the quota for creating new ISIS recruits is falling behind, and “this threatens an ominous and even crippling ’enemy vacuum’ for the United States.” Even though U.S. drone strikes continue to kill scores of innocent people, not enough of their relatives are seeking revenge by becoming suicide bombers, hence […]

Leicester triumphs as Dorkinghamshire United unable to beat Tittleton City

  LEICESTER, England — Fans of British soccer team Leicester celebrated on Monday as rival Dorkinghamshire United failed to defeat Tittleton City, giving Leicester the top rank in the Precious League. “We kick ball good,” team captain and midfield keeper Juan Schmidt-Nielsen said, explaining how the team overcame 5000 to one odds of taking first […]

I’m okay, prince reassures fans

  BALLATER, Scotland — An unusually jovial Prince Charles is reassuring fans that he is healthy and in good spirits, just in case anyone erroneously feared that he was unwell or had even passed away, according to reports. “Never felt better in my life,” the Prince of Wales maintained. “To be quite frank, I was just […]

Belgium unsure if touched or offended by ‘solidarity fries’

  Admitting that the gesture is probably meant with the best of intentions, Belgium is dutifully offering its thanks for the outpouring of images of solidarity fries. French fries, called “chips” in old-timey anglophone countries like Britain and “frites” in francophone nations, have long been associated with Belgium, and since the deadly attacks in Brussels […]

Fidel Castro pulled out of first lady’s luggage

  HAVANA — Secret Service agents were surprised on Tuesday to find former Cuban president Fidel Castro hiding in a suitcase belonging to first lady Michelle Obama, who was due to leave Cuba with her husband after a three-day visit to the island nation. The ailing 89-year-old was said to appear cognizant as agents unzipped […]

‘That’ll keep ‘em off our backs,’ say attack leaders

  RAQQA, Syria — Top ISIS leaders who issue orders from a disused schoolhouse in the formerly decent city of Raqqa are expressing relief following successful attacks in Brussels on Tuesday, saying, “That’ll keep ‘em off our backs for awhile.” “We sure showed them, didn’t we, boys?” said Mullah Dubu-Bubi, the terror organization’s intelligence chief. […]

Paris attack suspect moonlighted as ‘70s fetish call boy’

  BRUSSELS — Paris attack suspect Salah Abdeslam, arrested last week in the Belgian capital’s Molenbeek district, was reportedly living openly for many months as a call boy specializing in 1970s fetish. The Belgian ministry of justice released a statement saying that Abdeslam, who is believed to be the last of 10 individuals who carried […]

North Korean leader shows off pocket-sized nuke

  PYONGYANG — Interest in the size of North Korea’s nuclear arsenal is growing after the regime’s state-run news agency released a video on Tuesday showing leader Kim Jong Un playing with a tiny missile purportedly fitted with a miniature nuclear tip. “My weapon may be small by Western standards, but it can destroy any […]

Mass chaos as autocorect malfunktions

The world was thrown into chaos on Monday as the biggest autocorect providers were shut down in an aparent attack by hackers. “Donut worry,” President Obama reassured the world in a press release. “Technihuns from the NSA and FBI are working to find a solushun.” “In the mean time, mite I sugest that everyone avoid […]

Sharapova suffers medical emergency after quitting drug

  Cursing anti-doping officials for obliging her to stop taking the banned substance meldonium, which she claims she needed out of medical necessity, tennis star Maria Sharapova’s head has swollen into a bright green orb. “Look what you’ve done to me,” the 28-year-old Russian said in front of gasping journalists. “I tried to tell everyone […]

Texas college wants to outsource Saudi beheadings

SALVATION SPRINGS, Texas — Thanks to a bold marketing stroke, Salvation Springs College in Texas may solve its precarious financial future while simultaneously scoring a diplomatic coup with the government of Saudi Arabia. Last week, college president Gretchen Pragmati announced that the small liberal arts college has offered to outsource a limited number of the […]

Revealed: Kerry obliged to hand over lunch money in Iranian nuclear accord

  Shocking new details of last year’s controversial nuclear accord between the Obama Administration and Iran have been revealed to the Dandy Goat, fueling outrage over what is widely viewed as a humiliating defeat for the United States. Many critics already considered the deal to be a blow to U.S. prestige in the Middle East, […]

Museum dresses nudes for visiting Iranian president

  ROME — Museum officials in the Italian capital are relieved following a successful effort to spare the visiting Iranian president from the embarrassment and potential injury of seeing representations of naked bodies. President Hassan Rouhani was scheduled to visit Rome’s Capitoline Museum with Italian prime minister Matteo Renzi on Tuesday, but officials worried that the […]

German woman clearly asking for it

  BUTZFELD, Germany — A woman in this sleepy hamlet in the northern district of Amburger-Elper has been walking around town asking for it, according to local men. “What gall to parade through the center of town where males are known to congregate,” said Jurgen Frankenbeinz, who has been mayor since 2009. “She thinks she’s […]

Captured US sailors give Iran 5-star TripAdvisor rating

  Crew members from two U.S. Navy patrol boats who were detained by Iran after drifting into Iranian waters earlier this week have described the experience as “phenomenal” and say that they’ll definitely go back for a visit. “I was never made to feel like just a prisoner,” said Lt. Eric Waistmore, 31, who since […]

Giant shadow cast over Earth

  Observers from around the globe were surprised and saddened on Monday to find that a giant shadow had been cast over the Earth. As of yet, no one has been able to explain the source of the shadow, or predict when sunlight will return to normal levels of intensity. Shelby H. Bay, a self-trained […]

Syrian refugee with heartrending backstory also terribly horny

  A Syrian refugee living in Berlin who made a perilous journey to Europe after losing his entire family in his country’s civil war is nevertheless very horny. Muhammad, a 23-year-old former engineering student from Homs, was just beginning his studies in 2011 when fighting broke out. Two of his elder brothers who were conscripted […]