Editorials, opinion pieces, letters, columns and other rants against how boorish we really are

Stop being all judgey about ISIS

If you’re like me, you are sick of hearing about ISIS. We can barely watch television without being forced to endure yet more disparaging coverage of the supposed atrocities of the Islamic caliphate. Pundits drone on endlessly about its so-called terror tactics, and even “open-minded” journalists criticize the organization for its views on women — […]

In my day, looting actually meant something

by Raymond Hinton   I look at the events unfolding in Ferguson, Missouri, and I just shake my head. Youngsters have no respect for the art of forming a mob, breaking into a business, loading your arms with as many goods as you can carry, then fleeing — all in the name of political dissatisfaction. […]

We must not defy the stars by demanding our free Cholula

by John Alvarado My fellow herbalists and ponderers, we are gathered in brotherhood on this evening to make use of my new bong, to chill and discuss the big issues of our day. The bong has been lit, and so many among us, now high, wish to dine, and to dine in a manner that satiates […]

That’s cool — I didn’t want to be invited to Mandela’s funeral, anyway

by Kim Jong-un Whaddup fellow world leaders. We cool? Me, just going to hang with my boy Dennis Rodman. I got a little military parade thing I’m planning,  and I’m gonna show him a little lady I know. I call her Miss Aisles. That’s missiles, haha. Shh, don’t tell Dennis. It’s going to be a […]

How a mute neighbor girl taught me to fight Christmas cheer

I enjoy the holiday season. Now you have it: my public confession. I know, we are not supposed to “enjoy” a season that highlights the disparity between the haves and the have-nots. We are not supposed to “enjoy” the tradition of frenzied consumerism. We are not supposed to “enjoy” a religious holiday that is offensive […]

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North Korea’s efforts to lure back Western tourists

From our jailed North Korean correspondent:    

I put the ‘stud’ in gender studies

Excuse me, miss. Is this where I register for the gender studies conference? Thought so. It smells like frigid women desperate for the forceful touch of a dominating male. What’s your name? Mary, huh. Mary, Mary. Going by that third-wave feminism look you got goin’ on, you ain’t no virgin. Let me introduce myself. I’m Dr. David […]

Three jerks and a lady

It’s Movember and apparently that stands for More (white men uttering offensive words in) November. If I die of acute moral outrage before I finish writing this article, please sue the three jerks I’m going to tell you about. Ready for your blood to boil? White male jerk number one: Rand Paul Did you know […]

Blacking out your teeth is not funny

Once upon a Halloween, children would innocently pat flour on their cheeks, giving themselves a fun, vampire-like hue. Some youngsters would even spend their nickels and dimes on a jar of ghoulish green face paint — the final touch in a spooky Frankenstein outfit. Nowadays, youngsters all across the country are blacking out their teeth […]

Why is the NSA spying on everyone?

    Source: The Dandy Goat

Why do we love Banksy?

  Source: The Dandy Goat

I’m sorry that I didn’t build you a stronger web-site, Mister President

by Thomas Andrews, head drafter of the RMS Titanic Mister President, when you approached me about building you a healthcare web-site, I said to myself, what is a web-site? Is it a site for one’s web? And might we build it in a shipyard? You laughed at my antiquated manner of seeing the world, Mister […]

I am not a god, but a mere demigod

by Barack Obama My fellow Americans, I alone cannot avert the crisis that will be sparked if we don’t raise the debt ceiling and prevent a default. Many of you want me to assert more presidential authority and raise the ceiling on my own. Some of you would like me to strongarm the Republican party […]

Why do we hate Ayn Rand?

Inane and offensive speech acts

Seriously, if I read about another uneducated redneck saying something I find offensive, I’ll scream. Or maybe I’ll throw my MacBook at the barista who never says “you’re welcome” when I thank her for the latte. What a busy week it’s been in the Department of Offensive and Inane Speech Acts. It’s as if falling […]

Why we must pay our national bills, even if that means taking out more dubious loans

When I was 27 years old, I learned a very important lesson from my father, which is this: we must pay our bills, even if that means taking out a dubious loan to do so. Let me give you some context. I had been living in Paris for a year, having a go at being […]

We must stop insane gunmen from becoming insane gunmen

Dear readers and even dearer fans, My great sadness about the Navy Yard shooting was met with even greater outrage when I learned that Aaron Alexis, the 34-year-old gunman, had previously exhibited signs of being unwell. This begs the question: why didn’t those people who knew Mr. Alexis was delusional not foresee the rampage — […]

I did five European cities for a day, and I can tell you all about them

by Tanya Brands Visiting Europe was a dream come true. Last month, I went with my friend on a five-day whirlwind tour, and I can tell you this: some European destinations are wonderful, while others are really terrible. For a day, anyway. London is a great city, and I’ll never forget the way the guard at […]

1000 reasons why I’m offended today

by Alex Parring Oh man, as if I needed any more offense today. I’ve had it up to here. If I read about one more person who has said something rude, vulgar, racist, homophobic, or even sarcastic, I’ll scream. I’m serious. I really am. That also goes for people using figures of speech they don’t […]

I’m no communist — I’m just a normal guy who likes football and a cold beer, and who believes all resources and industries should be collectivized so wealth can be redistributed through a powerful centralized state agency

by Mike Calvo A lot of people think that just because I was born in the San Francisco Bay Area to two politically-active Marxist parents, that I might have some extreme political ideas. Are you kidding me? I’m just a normal guy who likes football, a cold beer, and who believes all resources and industries […]