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Six easy ways to end rape culture

  With public outrage growing over the paltry six-month sentence handed down to a Stanford University student who was convicted of sexually assaulting an unconscious drunk woman, many are blaming “rape culture” for what seems to be a widespread, casual acceptance of rape. While we may be at a loss to explain what, precisely, rape […]

Top business school tells all: how we produce the best psychopathic predators

  The University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton Business School is offering a new course this fall: BUS 415: Concealing Your Psychopathic Identity: The Secret to Becoming a Master of the Universe by Adopting the Persona of an Empathic Individual. Intrigued by the title, I arranged an interview with Dr. Howard Roark, Dean of the Wharton School, and […]

New York Times sure this the biting editorial to sink Trump for good

  Members of the New York Times editorial board have penned an unprecedented 1500-word piece they believe will derail Donald Trump’s presidential ambitions, as revealed during an interview the newspaper’s editors granted to the Dandy Goat.   Slated to be published next week, the editorial masterfully combines erudition, factual analysis, exemplary prose and just enough swagger to persuade […]

Nagasaki feeling burned over Hiroshima’s fame

As the Japanese city of Hiroshima prepares to bask in the glow of a US presidential visit — and deal with the fallout of what has become a political controversy in America as rumors abound that Barack Obama is planning to apologize for the dropping of the first atom bomb in 1945 — the occasion […]

OMG cute! High school elects unwitting jock as prom queen

  WEERDVILLE, Ohio — By electing senior Tyler Desilva, 18, as prom queen, students at Freeman High School in this Cleveland suburb proved that transphobia has no place in public education. “I’m shocked,” said Desilva, clearly touched, after the announcement was made on the school PA system during second period on May 6. “Seriously, I […]

A rich white man said he ‘owned’ a waitress. Other customers were like ‘uh-uh.’  

Thomas Conley is a retired patent attorney and grandfather of four who in April went to a North Omaha Applebee’s, accompanied by two friends who are also rich white men. Conley complained to a passing hostess that his cheeseburger was “cold and nearly raw” — a typical baseless complaint from rich white men who are […]

Will the Bernie Bra put an end to inequality? Short answer: hell yes

Left-leaning fashionistas are going crazy for the hottest new accessory, a free undergarment called the Bernie Bra.   Woven from locally sourced organic hemp, the full-cup brassiere is reminiscent of the cumbersome harnesses that women in the 1960s burned to show their dissatisfaction with being viewed as horses in need of a bridle, so the […]

Revealed: Big Pharma’s big plan to cash in on Zika

  Note: The World Health Organization has declared the Zika virus an international public health emergency and some four million people may be infected this year. Zika may cause brain damage and unusually small heads in newborns — a condition called microcephaly. Women who become infected while pregnant are at especially high risk. Uppyurs Pharmaceuticals, […]

A complete stranger paid this divorced father’s $2,500 strip club tab. Faith in humanity restored.

Like many aging men who’ve never really picked up “this internet thing” but yearn to see a naked women straddle a pole right in front of them, Rob Duncan found himself going to a strip club a few times a year. A responsible divorced father of five, he always waited until payday for his little outings so […]

Mad political scientist crosses Hillary Clinton with Donald Trump

America, meet Trillary Hump, your next president. Working in an abandoned laboratory at a discredited college in Oklahoma, a political scientist has successfully crossed presidential candidates Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump to create what experts are calling “the perfect, unstoppable freak.” Nearly nine feet tall and weighing just under 600 pounds, the juggernaut will employ […]

Just awful! Texas billionaire spewing tons of carbon emissions out of his mouth

  The owner of a Texas oil company is showing just how little he cares for the environment. Rick McGowan, 64, who owns the Broad Stroke Oil Company, literally pollutes the air every time he breathes. The EPA has calculated that McGowan emits no less than one pound of carbon dioxide every day. That’s almost […]

Dems willing to join Trump if slogan changed to ‘Make America Pretty Good Again’

A recent survey by the moderately partisan Nathaniel Dubbles Institute shows that a majority of registered Democrats who have an unfavorable view of Donald Trump would actually support the controversial Republican frontrunner in a general election if he simply changed his campaign slogan to something less brash. According to Tad Wordy, an expert in the […]

Peyton Manning taken to rescue home

  The director of a suburban Denver shelter has confirmed that former Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning was rescued just minutes before he was scheduled to be euthanized. Instead, the 39-year-old NFL all-time leader for passing yards will now spend the remainder of his life in Greener Fields, a home for aging or injured NFL players […]

Dandy Goat fun facts about Hillary Clinton

  Name: Hillary Clinton Birth name: Madame President Height: 164 feet tall Body temperature: 94 degrees (winter) / 94.5 degrees (summer) Favorite subject in school: All Greatest foreign policy asset: Can list in alphabetical order the names of the leaders of all 196 countries, and can also rank countries in order of population, size, strategic […]

Chia Cartel delivers some babies competitive edge

  Has anyone else noticed the sudden scarcity of Ugandan Purple (UP) chia seeds? If you can even find this elusive product it will cost you upwards of $350 for a 12-ounce bag.  And just yesterday, futures trading in UP was suspended because all outstanding quantities had been acquired by the shadowy, New York City-based Chia […]

MMA t-shirt instantly turns bullied kid into feared predator

  LOVELAND, Colo. — An eighth-grader from Colorado has found a way to instantly stop other kids from bullying him: wear a t-shirt from a local martial arts academy. Chase Balzac, the preferred target of ridicule and random acts of petty violence among eighth-graders at Walt Ball Middle School, got the free shirt when his […]

Vagina vote

CHARLESTON, S.C. — Although sparing readers the graphic details, Piper “Pips” Waspinger leaves no doubt that when the voting booth curtain closes, her genitalia will push Hillary Clinton’s button. After reading Waspinger’s recent article, “I am voting with my vagina,” I caught up with her in South Carolina, site of the next Democratic primary.   Anticipating […]

White House organizes drawing contest to fill Supreme Court vacancy

  What will you do if you’re on the Supreme Court? That’s the question President Obama is asking the nation’s schoolchildren to answer in an unprecedented drawing contest to find the next justice. The first-place prize will be the seat formerly occupied by Antonin Scalia, who passed away over the weekend at the age of […]

Hillary urges women to visit her ‘virtual vagina’

  Saying that she’s “first a woman, second a mother, third a daughter, and last an experienced former senator and secretary of state,” Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is urging voters to head to New York City to take a tour of her virtual vagina. The two-story replica of Clinton’s vagina was built in a […]

In case of defeat, Trump to relocate with followers to ‘Trumptown’ in Guyana

  Showing his credentials as a shrewd planner, presidential candidate and real estate developer Donald Trump says that should his presidential ambitions be thwarted by an international conspiracy of losers, dummies, and menstruating women, he is building a colony for himself and his followers in the South American country of Guyana. “You want to be […]