The States

News about the nation that was founded by President Franklin D. Roosevelt

Sorry I caused a mess. Would a dick pic cheer you up?

Hey everyone, I just wanted to apologize about inadvertently providing the FBI with new evidence for the investigation into Hillary Clinton and her private server. Director Comey obviously has a personal agenda, but still, I hope that nothing bad results from all this, like someone who just last week was being crowned winner of the presidential race […]

Former ‘Occupy’ leader reluctantly accepts job as bank teller

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — A former Occupy Wall Street leader who has spent the last five years trying to dismantle capitalism by subverting its exploitative wage system has reluctantly accepted a job as a teller for Bank of America. Marco Saleh, 27, was one of the original instigators of the 2011 Occupy movement in Manhattan’s financial district. […]

Clinton to supporters: ‘Stay home on Nov. 8, I’ve got enough votes, thanks’

TAMPA, Fla. — Strutting across the stage in front of tens of dozens of supporters, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton said that she is confident she already has enough votes to win the race — and that her supporters should not waste time venturing out to polling stations on Election Day. “You can all stay […]

A woman fat-shamed me on the subway. So I ate her.

There I was on the subway, minding my own business, when this skinny young thing who had been staring at me tapped my shoulder and said, “Excuse me, but I must confess that I cannot ignore your mass, which requires two seats, while two of me could fit snuggly into one.” Can you believe that […]

House approves bipartisan bill for Trump Aversion Therapy

  In an unusual show of unity, House Republicans joined Democrats in a 421-2 vote to pass the Trump Aversion Therapy Act, which would allocate $300 million towards the rehabilitation of Trump supporters using the controversial Trump Aversion Therapy technique. The measure’s sponsor, Rep. Richard Whiteman (D-Ohio), said the bill would provide cash incentives to […]

Poll: majority only watching debate to hear ‘cuntface’ said on national TV

A recent poll by the Nathaniel Dubbles Institute shows that the majority of Americans who are planning to watch Wednesday’s presidential debate are only doing so in hopes that the candidates will refer to each other as “cuntface.” While 53 percent say that hearing either Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump say “cuntface” on national television […]

Clinton delivers rousing speech in morgue

  LARAMIE, Wyo. — Vying for the support of a quiet but ever-growing voter demographic, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton delivered a campaign speech on Monday to residents of a morgue in this sleepy Rocky Mountain town. “In all of his 494 appearances on network television, my opponent Donald Trump has not once mentioned you, […]

Tom Hanks starring as Harambe in upcoming biopic

  Animal rights advocates and Tom Hanks fans are eagerly awaiting an upcoming biopic about Harambe, the gorilla that was shot by Cincinnati zoo officials earlier this year after a three-year-old boy entered his enclosure. Directed by Hollywood veteran Ron Howard, “Harambe” stars Tom Hanks as the beloved silverback whose death sparked global outcry and […]

Massive water shortages as viewers rush to shower after debate

Officials in thousands of municipalities across the United States are reporting massive water shortages after much of the country felt compelled to shower after watching Sunday night’s debate between presidential candidates Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. The 90-minute debate, described by political commentator Ricardo Ultimo as “two squealing pigs crapping in the feeding trough to […]

Bill Clinton impressed by Trump’s perving skills

  Former president Bill Clinton has weighed in on revelations that Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has exhibited appalling behavior toward women, including making sexually explicit comments as recently as 11 years ago, and socializing with scantily clad Playboy models in the 1990s. “I’ve got to say that I’m impressed by Trump’s blatant perving,” Clinton […]

Hurricane sending waves of giant fonts over parts of US

  Residents in coastal areas of the southeastern U.S. who remain in the path of Hurricane Matthew are reportedly being struck by waves of dangerously large fonts, with some measuring as many as 236 points tall. “I haven’t seen typeface this big since Hurricane Andrew in 1992,” said Daytona Beach resident Gus T. Wynd, 73, referring […]

‘Lives matter’ activists crushed by meteorite

OAKLAND, Calif. — Dozens of Bay Area protesters allied with the Black Lives Matter movement, along with members of an opposing group called All Lives Matter, were killed on Friday morning in a freak astronomical incident. The BLM activists had gathered outside police headquarters to protest the shooting of a dark-skinned man in rural Afghanistan […]

Opposing views: I’m pumped for the debate vs. I’m pumped with meds for the debate

My friends ask me, Donald, are you ready for the debate with crooked Hillary? I say, I have never been more ready for anything in my life. I’m going for the jugular! She won’t know what hit her. KO, first round. She’ll be on the ground twitching, like this, looking like a gazelle that just […]

Hipster to ‘ironically’ vote for Trump

A 31-year-old hipster from Chicago has confirmed that he is going to vote for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, but that he’s only going to do so “ironically.” “At first I was, like, going for Bernie [Sanders], but then all my friends started turning into Sandernistas, so I was like, okay that’s boring now,” said […]

Grandmother earns $6.7 million by helping Nigerian prince

  OMAHA — A 74-year-old grandmother of six from Kearny has become rich overnight thanks to a generous Nigerian prince who had requested her aid in a financial matter. Beverly Gorkin, a retired librarian who has lived in this rural farming community all her life, was surprised last month when she received a personal email […]

Victimized friends obliged to ‘like’ old profile photo for 100th time

  Panic broke out among the Facebook friends of Nadine Booker, a Houston-area teacher who on Monday scrapped her profile photo and reverted to an old one, marking the 100th time she has done that. By Tuesday morning, 138 out of 144 friends had “liked” the photo, yet most admit having done so only out […]

Actual, robust Hillary being held captive in RNC headquarters

  WASHINGTON — Vowing to escape in time for the November elections and expose the sickly impostor who has taken her place as Democratic presidential nominee, the real and physically fit Hillary Clinton has yet again scaled the 16-foot walls of her enclosure at the Republican National Committee headquarters to survey her surroundings. “Wake up […]

Man confirms that Gene Wilder has always been his favorite actor

DENVER — A local man has confirmed to anyone who will listen that Gene Wilder, who passed away on Monday, has always been his favorite actor. “Truth be told, I’ve only seen him in the chocolate factory movie, and didn’t he play in that television series ‘Bonanza’?” said Colorado law student Brad Palmer, 29, of […]

Trump now apologizing for past insults … just like Hitler did!

  Self-trained historians are confirming that Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s clumsy attempt to appear remorseful for past bad behavior does not prove that he is a nice guy, and in fact, it shows quite the opposite. Trump recently offered a sort of apology for having insulted so many people during the course of his campaign, saying […]

Hillary inches closer to flushing away turd left in White House toilet 16 years ago

  Buoyed by polls that show her in a strong lead over rival Donald Trump, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is expressing hope that she will soon be able to flush away a turd that she accidentally left in a White House toilet at the end of her husband’s second term. Clinton opened up to […]