French police seek public’s help in finding Kim Kardashian’s stolen ‘boob harness’

PARIS — A spokesperson for the French police unit that investigates crimes against famous people is asking residents of the capital to keep their eyes open for a black bra that was stolen from superstar Kim Kardashian. On Sunday, Kardashian, 35, survived a horrifying ordeal during which when five men dressed as police officers burst into […]

‘Lives matter’ activists crushed by meteorite

OAKLAND, Calif. — Dozens of Bay Area protesters allied with the Black Lives Matter movement, along with members of an opposing group called All Lives Matter, were killed on Friday morning in a freak astronomical incident. The BLM activists had gathered outside police headquarters to protest the shooting of a dark-skinned man in rural Afghanistan […]

Pope makes urgent appeal for peace in Brangelinastan

  VATICAN CITY — Pope Francis is asking the world’s one billion Catholics to pray for peace in the nation of Brangelinastan, which erupted into civil war earlier this week and has since dominated world headlines. “As Brangelinastan has been engulfed in the destructive fires of unrest, so too have the flames spread to every […]

Hipster to ‘ironically’ vote for Trump

A 31-year-old hipster from Chicago has confirmed that he is going to vote for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, but that he’s only going to do so “ironically.” “At first I was, like, going for Bernie [Sanders], but then all my friends started turning into Sandernistas, so I was like, okay that’s boring now,” said […]

Man seriously injured after letting rattlesnake in his ass hole

  PIEDRAS NEGRAS, Mexico — A 45-year-old farmer from the north of the country was rushed to the hospital earlier this week after sustaining injuries when he let a venomous snake enter his ass hole. The hole, a six-foot-deep covered pit that Fernando Diaz-Culo sometimes uses as a stable for his burros, measures forty feet in diameter […]

Victimized friends obliged to ‘like’ old profile photo for 100th time

  Panic broke out among the Facebook friends of Nadine Booker, a Houston-area teacher who on Monday scrapped her profile photo and reverted to an old one, marking the 100th time she has done that. By Tuesday morning, 138 out of 144 friends had “liked” the photo, yet most admit having done so only out […]

Actual, robust Hillary being held captive in RNC headquarters

  WASHINGTON — Vowing to escape in time for the November elections and expose the sickly impostor who has taken her place as Democratic presidential nominee, the real and physically fit Hillary Clinton has yet again scaled the 16-foot walls of her enclosure at the Republican National Committee headquarters to survey her surroundings. “Wake up […]

Man confirms that Gene Wilder has always been his favorite actor

DENVER — A local man has confirmed to anyone who will listen that Gene Wilder, who passed away on Monday, has always been his favorite actor. “Truth be told, I’ve only seen him in the chocolate factory movie, and didn’t he play in that television series ‘Bonanza’?” said Colorado law student Brad Palmer, 29, of […]

French police order woman to take off burkini, but slowly

  Several officers from a French beach police unit have ordered a woman who was caught wearing a burkini — a type of full-body bathing suit, increasingly banned in many places — to remove it, but a little more slowly. “Madame, you are in violation of ze edict number 3945, which forbids neck-to-ankle beach attire […]

North Korea celebrates as country wins all Olympic medals

  PYONGYANG — Thrilled citizens of North Korea have taken to the streets in celebration of the country’s latest feat: yet again winning every medal at the Olympic Games. A total of 974 gold, silver and bronze medals were awarded to North Korean competitors at this summer’s games in Rio de Janeiro, beating the previous […]

Trump now apologizing for past insults … just like Hitler did!

  Self-trained historians are confirming that Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s clumsy attempt to appear remorseful for past bad behavior does not prove that he is a nice guy, and in fact, it shows quite the opposite. Trump recently offered a sort of apology for having insulted so many people during the course of his campaign, saying […]

Nick Denton reduced to hawking unauthorized sex videos on street corner

NEW YORK — Admitting that he has been left with no other means to earn a living, Gawker founder Nick Denton has resorted to selling unauthorized sex videos and DVDs on a Manhattan street corner. Denton, 49, says that while he is sad at losing his Gawker Media empire after having been successfully sued for […]

Court finds Ellen guilty of first-degree racism

  NEW YORK — Calling it a tragedy that was years in the making, the mass media have been forced to sacrifice one of their most prominent members. On Thursday, Ellen Degeneres, the witty, lovable host of her eponymous talk show, was found of guilty of racism by a court of her peers. Earlier this […]

‘And no schwag this time,’ Malia orders Secret Service agent

  WASHINGTON — First Daughter and recreational smoker Malia has reportedly sent Carl Goodwynn, a six-year veteran of the Secret Service, back into the city after the marijuana he procured for her proved to be of poor quality. “And no schwag this time,” the 18-year-old firstborn of Barack and Michelle Obama shouted as the agent […]

Olympic mascot victim of savage attack

  RIO DE JANEIRO — Beaten, shorn and robbed. That is what happened early Friday morning to Vinicius, the lovable mongrel and Rio Olympics mascot, after a night of partying near Copacabana Beach, according to officials. A Souza Aguiar Hospital spokesperson says that the six-foot, 125-pound creature was left with multiple abrasions and fractures, and […]

Eww! Michael Phelps observed spawning after Olympic event

  RIO DE JANEIRO — Claiming that such behavior is a “biological imperative” and his “right as the holder of countless world records,” U.S. swimmer Michael Phelps was observed by judges and spectators on Monday spawning after competing in the 200-meter butterfly semifinals. The milky cloud that Phelps, 31, left in his wake in the […]

Dandy Goat staff return after extended vacation in France

  Two key members of the Dandy Goat team have returned to work after several weeks of leisure time in France, enjoying privileges afforded to them thanks to their race and gender. Publisher Franklin J. Dubbles spent three weeks on a tour of Brittany in the western part of the country, eating delicious food and […]

What does Eminem think about father Mike Pence as Trump’s running mate?

  In what could be a first for the world of hip-hop, the father of celebrated rapper Eminem — longtime Indiana politician Mike Pence — has been chosen by presidential candidate Donald Trump to be his running mate. What does Eminem — born Marshall Pence VI — think about it? Dandy Goat correspondent Richard Omega […]

Awww! Woman finds adorable Pokémon in alley next to own neglected children

  CROWN POINT, Ind. — Pokémon enthusiast and mother Jill Cakewalker, 36, says that she was “astounded” after Pokémon Go led her to an alley miles from home where she found her own children — whom she had forgotten to feed for a full three days after becoming obsessed with the hit game over the […]

Embarrassing! Obama accidentally launches into ‘racism lecture’ instead of ‘sympathy speech’

  DALLAS — In what’s being called “the biggest gaffe since he referred to German chancellor Angela Merkel as ‘Mr. Merkel, sir,’” President Obama began to read the wrong speech in Dallas on Tuesday at a memorial for five officers who were killed in last week’s attack. “My fellow Americans, it’s with great frustration that I, […]