Science & Tech

Dumbed-down articles about scientific breakthroughs and technology that you may fear but nevertheless have to learn to love -- that's called "progress," knucklehead

Spirit of giving: Zuckerberg vows to donate 99 percent of your personal data to charity

SAN FRANCISCO — Facebook co-founder and current CEO Mark Zuckerberg has announced that he and his wife are going to donate 99 percent of users’ personal data to charitable causes. The couple is estimated to be worth trillions of individual data points that include your age, preferences, employer, places of residence, alma mater and political […]

Social media giants to merge into world’s largest waste of time

  Delighting those who enjoy watching endless streams of photos and data flowing by a screen, several of the best-known social networking services have announced that they are merging to form the world’s largest waste of time. Starting in January, users of Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram will be automatically redirected to LifeDrain, an exciting new […]

Nobel awarded to feminist bloggers for discovery of ‘nanoaggressions’

Two American bloggers have been awarded a Nobel Prize in social science for their work leading to the discovery of nanoaggressions — tiny acts of discrimination 1000 times smaller than microaggressions and invisible to the naked eye. The recipients, Wisconsin-based bloggers Tess T. Lehdi and Mandy Hader, first proposed the theory of nanoaggressions in 2012 […]

Joaquin feared trying to cross southern border

  The U.S. border patrol is on maximum alert tonight after warnings that Hurricane Joaquin may try to enter the United States by doubling back on its current track and sneaking across the border from Mexico. The National Hurricane Center has even suggested that Joaquin could be smuggled across the border hidden behind a benign […]

NASA offers drinkers hope of social life on Mars

  U.S. space agency NASA has discovered evidence of water on Mars, offering the surest sign yet that drinkers who eventually live on the red planet might be able to enjoy life there and even leave their sleeping pods to socialize every now and them. “The existence of liquid water, even if it is super […]

Ahmed builds ‘genius’ pencil sharpener from scratch

In what’s being called another incredible feat of engineering, Ahmed Mohamed, the Texas youth who was suspended from school after racist administrators accused the 14-year-old of bringing to class a homemade clock designed to resemble a bomb, has now constructed a “fully automatic” pencil sharpener from scratch, according to his publicist. In an interview with […]

iPhone’s hobbies include being taken into bathroom, watching owner shit

  DAVENPORT, Iowa — A local iPhone was bluntly honest in a dating profile when it wrote that its hobbies included “being taken into bathrooms” and “watching [its] owner shit.” The self-described iPhone 6 — a registered member of SmartPhoneSingles since November of 2014 — says that most smartphones try to present themselves as having […]

Today’s neo-Nazis ‘would have been gassed’ by Hitler

  The genetically questionable individuals who join white supremacist groups and attend neo-Nazi rallies would have been among the first to be gassed by Adolf Hitler, according to researchers at the University of Mannheim. “Due to their conspicuous mental defects, lack of social skills, poor hygiene, and overall homeliness, today’s neo-Nazis would have been viewed […]

Pluto reclassified as a star

  After decades of keeping its true identity a secret, Pluto has announced that it is not actually a planet. Pluto is a star. For years, rumors have swirled in astronomy circles that the most distant body in our solar system is not really a planet — but not exactly a moon, either. Pluto says […]

Sharks being radicalized by social media: NOAA

  The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration has suggested that the recent spate of shark attacks off U.S. beaches is linked to increasing radicalization of disaffected young sharks who are being “groomed” through underwater sonar messages by extremist elements taking advantages of outrage over mistreatment of sharks and other social grievances. In the last three […]

Officials warn against rainbow Confederate flags

The Department of Homeland Security is asking the public to stop spreading images of hybrid Confederate-LGBT rainbow flags, as they can create a toxic, potentially deadly blend of obscene moral outrage and unwarranted hysteria. The public is also being asked to avoid attempting to create such images on their computers, no matter how cute or cheeky the […]

Facebook develops way to sort ‘LGBT allies’ from ‘rampant homophobes’

  Facebook has taken the brave step to provide users a tool to instantaneously know which of their friends are supportive of LGBT rights and the U.S. Supreme Court ruling to recognize same-sex marriage, and which of their friends are incurable homophobic bigots. The tool, called “Celebrate Pride,” allows users to apply a rainbow-colored filter […]

Comet lander wakes up, lies about where it’s been

  For the first time in seven months, the comet lander Philae has sent a message to the European Space Agency, and although officials are delighted to finally get some news, they say that Philae’s stories don’t add up. They are demanding to know the truth about what the 11-year-old spacecraft has been doing all […]

NSA agents forced to again hide under beds

  No longer able to collect bulk telephone metadata, the NSA said it will revert to the old method of domestic spying by placing agents in the homes of the some 123 million households in the U.S. Roger Michaels, who heads the homeland surveillance division, says that even if the agency’s powers are now diminished, […]

Marijuana doesn’t harm ability to look shady, say experts

In what’s being called good news for cannabis enthusiasts and a boon to the marijuana industry, a new study has determined that consuming the plant, even in large quantities, does not diminish the ability to look shady. “Slovenly individuals with dirty fingernails, scary red eyes and hollow gazes can enjoy cannabis without fearing they’ll start […]

Sierra Club promoting human litter boxes

The Sierra Club is launching an ambitious plan to replace the western world’s sanitation system with human litter boxes. At a press conference in Seattle to unveil the project, Sierra Club president David Snott told reporters that “conventional flush toilets waste billions of gallons of water every day when billions of people in underdeveloped countries […]

Prehistoric sex toy blamed for extinction of Neanderthals

Archeologists in Spain have unearthed a cache of prehistoric sex toys believed to have caused the disappearance of the Neanderthals almost 40,000 years ago. “This extinction was not caused by receding glaciers or increased competition from Homo sapiens, as previously hypothesized,” said Montse Torrens, who is leading the excavation of a site in northwest Spain. […]

Hillary Clinton has ‘totally safe’ private internet

Insisting that confidential emails sent from her personal account were secure, former secretary of state Hillary Clinton has informed the public that she has a private internet at home. “During my tenure in the State Department, I did indeed use my personal account to send and receive tens of thousands of official emails, but this […]

Stoned rabbits ‘too lazy for sex’

Wildlife officials in Colorado are blaming the abundance of marijuana, which has been legal in the state since early 2014, for the drop in the state’s rabbit populations. Because marijuana is now often left out in the open, including on porches and in outdoor sheds, curious rabbits are cultivating a taste for it, says Eric […]

Mars trip organizers just want astronauts who ‘won’t eat each other’

Saying that they originally planned on being extremely selective about who gets to make the permanent move to Mars in 2025, Mars One organizers admit that they are now simply looking for people who won’t go berserk. Saskia Figueroa, who leads the selection committee, says that while it would be great to find young, highly […]