Power & Privilege

News from Washington D.C. and other centers of power where brave politicians and expert bureaucrats do what's best for us -- because they can

Exclusive: excerpt from Hillary Clinton’s speech to Goldman Sachs

  In 2013, Hillary Clinton gave three speeches to Goldman Sachs for the modest speaking fee of $675,000. Below is an excerpt from the never-before-released* transcripts of one of these speeches. Included is some pre-speech schmoozing caught on mic. Voice: Hey Hill! Great to see you. HC: Hi Lloyd! [Lloyd Blankfein, Chair & CEO, Goldman […]

Mad political scientist crosses Hillary Clinton with Donald Trump

America, meet Trillary Hump, your next president. Working in an abandoned laboratory at a discredited college in Oklahoma, a political scientist has successfully crossed presidential candidates Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump to create what experts are calling “the perfect, unstoppable freak.” Nearly nine feet tall and weighing just under 600 pounds, the juggernaut will employ […]

Fidel Castro pulled out of first lady’s luggage

  HAVANA — Secret Service agents were surprised on Tuesday to find former Cuban president Fidel Castro hiding in a suitcase belonging to first lady Michelle Obama, who was due to leave Cuba with her husband after a three-day visit to the island nation. The ailing 89-year-old was said to appear cognizant as agents unzipped […]

Dems willing to join Trump if slogan changed to ‘Make America Pretty Good Again’

A recent survey by the moderately partisan Nathaniel Dubbles Institute shows that a majority of registered Democrats who have an unfavorable view of Donald Trump would actually support the controversial Republican frontrunner in a general election if he simply changed his campaign slogan to something less brash. According to Tad Wordy, an expert in the […]

Hillary celebrates primaries sweep by eating bowl of gravel

  WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. — Amid jubilant cheers and cries for her to deliver a speech in the wake of her victories in four state primaries on Tuesday, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton appeared on a stage in front of thousands of supporters and ate a bowl of gravel. The former senator and secretary […]

Local student returns from mock presidential run to complete senior year

MIAMI — Saying that spending time on the campaign trail was “super fun” and that he learned a lot about “politics and stuff,” South Florida student Marco Rubio has returned to high school to complete his senior year. Rubio had been given an opportunity afforded to few youngsters: the chance to participate in a mock […]

‘I’m not a natural-born politician,’ says woman who’s been plotting rise to power since infancy

A woman whose entire life seems to have been conducted with the express goal of acquiring influence and power has admitted that she is actually not a natural-born politician. “I’m terribly clumsy, and quite often I’ll slip and tell the truth, or answer a yes-or-no question with a clear yes or no,” former housewife Hillary […]

Dandy Goat fun facts about Hillary Clinton

  Name: Hillary Clinton Birth name: Madame President Height: 164 feet tall Body temperature: 94 degrees (winter) / 94.5 degrees (summer) Favorite subject in school: All Greatest foreign policy asset: Can list in alphabetical order the names of the leaders of all 196 countries, and can also rank countries in order of population, size, strategic […]

Trump supporter tired of media, elites, friends, own parents telling him how to vote

APPLETON, Wis. — One of Donald Trump’s most loyal fans is warning everyone to stop trying to talk him out of supporting the billionaire property developer and Republican presidential candidate. “Enough is enough,” said Bruce Choler, 39, a pharmacist from Appleton. “I used to choose a candidate because of what I had read or heard […]

Revealed: Kerry obliged to hand over lunch money in Iranian nuclear accord

  Shocking new details of last year’s controversial nuclear accord between the Obama Administration and Iran have been revealed to the Dandy Goat, fueling outrage over what is widely viewed as a humiliating defeat for the United States. Many critics already considered the deal to be a blow to U.S. prestige in the Middle East, […]

Vagina vote

CHARLESTON, S.C. — Although sparing readers the graphic details, Piper “Pips” Waspinger leaves no doubt that when the voting booth curtain closes, her genitalia will push Hillary Clinton’s button. After reading Waspinger’s recent article, “I am voting with my vagina,” I caught up with her in South Carolina, site of the next Democratic primary.   Anticipating […]

White House organizes drawing contest to fill Supreme Court vacancy

  What will you do if you’re on the Supreme Court? That’s the question President Obama is asking the nation’s schoolchildren to answer in an unprecedented drawing contest to find the next justice. The first-place prize will be the seat formerly occupied by Antonin Scalia, who passed away over the weekend at the age of […]

Hillary urges women to visit her ‘virtual vagina’

  Saying that she’s “first a woman, second a mother, third a daughter, and last an experienced former senator and secretary of state,” Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is urging voters to head to New York City to take a tour of her virtual vagina. The two-story replica of Clinton’s vagina was built in a […]

Trump celebrates primary win by parading in golden chariot pulled by bikini models

  MANCHESTER, N.H. — Using a megaphone to command supporters to join him in a butt-shaking dance called the “Trump Bump,” presidential candidate Donald Trump did a victory lap in a golden chariot, just minutes after it became apparent that he had overwhelmed his opponents in New Hampshire’s Republican primary. As many as two dozen […]

Bernie Sanders loses Iowa caucuses on classic coin trick  

DES MOINES, Iowa — Defying the odds and former secretary of state Hillary Clinton’s wide lead in the polls, Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-People’s Democratic Republic of Vermont) came a close second in Monday night’s Iowa Democratic caucuses, narrowly losing after Clinton snagged the remaining delegates by winning a classic game of chance. With 99 percent […]

Hillary celebrates Iowa win with 20 minutes of icy stares at campaign staff

  DES MOINES, Iowa — Sources from the Hillary Clinton 2016 campaign have confirmed that the Democratic frontrunner celebrated her narrow state caucuses victory over Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.) by assembling her campaign staff in a large room and wordlessly staring at them for 20 unbroken minutes. “It’s was the uncanniest thing,” said assistant social media […]

In case of defeat, Trump to relocate with followers to ‘Trumptown’ in Guyana

  Showing his credentials as a shrewd planner, presidential candidate and real estate developer Donald Trump says that should his presidential ambitions be thwarted by an international conspiracy of losers, dummies, and menstruating women, he is building a colony for himself and his followers in the South American country of Guyana. “You want to be […]

Sanders reminded of time 65 years ago when he almost lost track meet

  Expressing disappointment about his narrow loss to Hillary Clinton in the Iowa caucuses, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has vowed to continue fighting, recalling the time when Thomas “Steam Engine” Murphy seemed poised to defeat him in the 1950 Brooklyn all-city track meet. “I remember it like it was yesterday,” the Vermont senator told a […]

Sanders accused of using campaign funds to buy pair of socks

  In a scandal that could derail his presidential ambitions just days before primaries begin, Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.) stands accused of using campaign funds to purchase socks he discovered in an Alabama department store bargain bin. According to reports, on Tuesday Sanders browsed the menswear department in a Birmingham-area Sears for more that 20 […]

Sanders promises to break up 10 largest banks into million little ones

  NEW YORK — During a campaign speech in Manhattan on Tuesday, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders promised that if he’s elected in November, he will deal with the oversized influence of the finance sector by breaking the nation’s 10 largest banks into “a million little ones.” “I tell you, in my 74 years of life, […]