Power & Privilege

News from Washington D.C. and other centers of power where brave politicians and expert bureaucrats do what's best for us -- because they can

In memoriam: The Dandy Goat

The world of free online content is mourning the loss of a rising star. The Dandy Goat, which has published more than 800 articles since its launch in June of 2013 and was praised by readers as “lol” and “lmao,” has died following the institutionalization of its founder and publisher, Franklin J. Dubbles. Richard Omega, […]

Trump picks Candy McKitten as Secretary of Office

WASHINGTON — Saying that he cannot work in an environment full of women who are merely competent in their jobs, President-elect Donald Trump has chosen Washington-area hottie Candy McKitten, 22, as secretary of office. “Candy’s got what it takes to serve as my secretary of office: a beautiful face, a gorgeous body that’s just stunning […]

Trump holding rallies ‘just like Hitler did,’ says friend who watched WWII documentary

Donald Trump, the nation’s recently ascended führerpreneur, has been holding victory rallies just like Adolph Hitler did in the 1930s, according to a friend who just last week watched the first part of a really good History Channel documentary about World War II. “Look at Trump standing there on a stage, talking in a microphone while […]

Trump names Chris Christie as secretary of steak

President-elect Donald Trump served up his latest Cabinet appointment on Monday, announcing he had chosen New Jersey governor Chris Christie to be secretary of steak. “Governor Christie, with his proven digestive tract record and an impressive appetite for reform, is the ideal candidate to oversee the country’s some 4500 chophouses, steakhouses, roadhouses, sizzlers and other […]

Expert: Putin’s fake ‘Dear Abby’ advice swayed US elections

A language expert working for the Nathaniel Dubbles Institute has confirmed to the Dandy Goat that Russian president Vladimir Putin is responsible for a spate of so-called “fake advice pieces” ostensibly written by syndicated columnist Jeanne Phillips. Cecilia Pawlak, a 66-year-old retired kindergarten teacher from New Jersey, was the first to notify authorities that the […]

Losing team demanding World Series trophy because they ‘had more total hits’

A manager for the American League baseball team that lost in the World Series earlier this month is demanding a recount to determine the real winner. “Sure, technically, the Chicago Cubs won four games out of seven, but we actually had the same number of runs during those seven games, 27 each — too close […]

FEMA setting up safe spaces in areas devastated by election

The federal agency in charge of disaster assistance is setting up hundreds of emergency safe spaces around the country where residents traumatized by the presidential election outcome can find safety and psychological comfort. “These safe spaces are shelters where afflicted individuals can get free hugs, listen to soothing indie folk music with lyrics that reaffirm […]

Party that nominated moody crime boss perplexed why campaign failed

Registered members of the political party that wittingly chose an unconvicted felon as its presidential nominee are demanding to know how they managed to lose the race to a tacky reality TV star who frequently makes spelling mistakes in his tweets. “It doesn’t make any sense,” says Joseph Puglia, 43, a physical therapist from New York. […]

Trump voter struck by awful realization 16-foot ladder taller than 15-foot wall

ALTOONA, Pa. — A longtime supporter of President-elect Donald Trump was said to have woken up from a post-victory slumber early Wednesday morning “extremely agitated” after realizing in a dream that an everyday ladder might be used to scale a border wall between the U.S. and Mexico. “What good is a 15-foot-tall wall with Mexico […]

‘I’m dying,’ says Clinton in last-ditch appeal

Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is making a last-ditch effort to win the presidency by asking that it be granted to her as a dying wish.   “Many of you have already guessed that I’m not in the best of health,” she said in the two-minute video released moments before the polls closed on Tuesday. […]

Vox editor casually hands out cyanide doses to staff

NEW YORK — Fearful that a Trump presidency will usher in a thousand years of jingoism and irreversibly cripple Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, the editor of the left-leaning news publication Vox has casually handed out cyanide capsules to the eight writers present at what may be the final staff meeting. “So if Trump wins, […]

Sorry I caused a mess. Would a dick pic cheer you up?

Hey everyone, I just wanted to apologize about inadvertently providing the FBI with new evidence for the investigation into Hillary Clinton and her private server. Director Comey obviously has a personal agenda, but still, I hope that nothing bad results from all this, like someone who just last week was being crowned winner of the presidential race […]

Clinton to supporters: ‘Stay home on Nov. 8, I’ve got enough votes, thanks’

TAMPA, Fla. — Strutting across the stage in front of tens of dozens of supporters, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton said that she is confident she already has enough votes to win the race — and that her supporters should not waste time venturing out to polling stations on Election Day. “You can all stay […]

House approves bipartisan bill for Trump Aversion Therapy

  In an unusual show of unity, House Republicans joined Democrats in a 421-2 vote to pass the Trump Aversion Therapy Act, which would allocate $300 million towards the rehabilitation of Trump supporters using the controversial Trump Aversion Therapy technique. The measure’s sponsor, Rep. Richard Whiteman (D-Ohio), said the bill would provide cash incentives to […]

Poll: majority only watching debate to hear ‘cuntface’ said on national TV

A recent poll by the Nathaniel Dubbles Institute shows that the majority of Americans who are planning to watch Wednesday’s presidential debate are only doing so in hopes that the candidates will refer to each other as “cuntface.” While 53 percent say that hearing either Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump say “cuntface” on national television […]

Clinton delivers rousing speech in morgue

  LARAMIE, Wyo. — Vying for the support of a quiet but ever-growing voter demographic, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton delivered a campaign speech on Monday to residents of a morgue in this sleepy Rocky Mountain town. “In all of his 494 appearances on network television, my opponent Donald Trump has not once mentioned you, […]

Massive water shortages as viewers rush to shower after debate

Officials in thousands of municipalities across the United States are reporting massive water shortages after much of the country felt compelled to shower after watching Sunday night’s debate between presidential candidates Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. The 90-minute debate, described by political commentator Ricardo Ultimo as “two squealing pigs crapping in the feeding trough to […]

Bill Clinton impressed by Trump’s perving skills

  Former president Bill Clinton has weighed in on revelations that Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has exhibited appalling behavior toward women, including making sexually explicit comments as recently as 11 years ago, and socializing with scantily clad Playboy models in the 1990s. “I’ve got to say that I’m impressed by Trump’s blatant perving,” Clinton […]

Opposing views: I’m pumped for the debate vs. I’m pumped with meds for the debate

My friends ask me, Donald, are you ready for the debate with crooked Hillary? I say, I have never been more ready for anything in my life. I’m going for the jugular! She won’t know what hit her. KO, first round. She’ll be on the ground twitching, like this, looking like a gazelle that just […]

Hipster to ‘ironically’ vote for Trump

A 31-year-old hipster from Chicago has confirmed that he is going to vote for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, but that he’s only going to do so “ironically.” “At first I was, like, going for Bernie [Sanders], but then all my friends started turning into Sandernistas, so I was like, okay that’s boring now,” said […]