Stories from that vast nothingness between the East Coast and the West Coast

No Lives Matter activists take over empty stage at non-event

  PARKER, Colo. — Activists from the fledgling No Lives Matter movement sauntered onto an empty stage in a ramshackle events hall in a nondescript town near Denver on Tuesday, demanding that their voices be heard for a fleeting moment before being forgotten and leaving no imprint on anyone. “We’re here to tell you nothing,” […]

A complete stranger paid this divorced father’s $2,500 strip club tab. Faith in humanity restored.

Like many aging men who’ve never really picked up “this internet thing” but yearn to see a naked women straddle a pole right in front of them, Rob Duncan found himself going to a strip club a few times a year. A responsible divorced father of five, he always waited until payday for his little outings so […]

Local student returns from mock presidential run to complete senior year

MIAMI — Saying that spending time on the campaign trail was “super fun” and that he learned a lot about “politics and stuff,” South Florida student Marco Rubio has returned to high school to complete his senior year. Rubio had been given an opportunity afforded to few youngsters: the chance to participate in a mock […]

Trump supporter tired of media, elites, friends, own parents telling him how to vote

APPLETON, Wis. — One of Donald Trump’s most loyal fans is warning everyone to stop trying to talk him out of supporting the billionaire property developer and Republican presidential candidate. “Enough is enough,” said Bruce Choler, 39, a pharmacist from Appleton. “I used to choose a candidate because of what I had read or heard […]

MMA t-shirt instantly turns bullied kid into feared predator

  LOVELAND, Colo. — An eighth-grader from Colorado has found a way to instantly stop other kids from bullying him: wear a t-shirt from a local martial arts academy. Chase Balzac, the preferred target of ridicule and random acts of petty violence among eighth-graders at Walt Ball Middle School, got the free shirt when his […]

Man contracts Zika by having sex with mosquito

  HOUSTON — A libertine Texas man is the first confirmed case of the Zika virus being transmitted via sexual contact with a vector. The unnamed victim allegedly carried on a short relationship with a 42-day-old Aedes aegypti, also known as a yellow fever mosquito, according to the Texas Department of Health. “He met the […]

Woman dies after hearing Trump say ‘schlonged’

  PAUL, Minn. — A 38-year-old woman has succumbed to injuries she received after hearing Donald Trump use the word ‘schlonged’ to describe Hillary Clinton’s failed 2008 presidential bid. Greta E. Steria, an adjunct professor at the University of Minnesota, was listening to NPR’s “Morning Edition” in her office on Tuesday when she heard a […]

Clinic attacker part of vast terror network of lone psychopaths

  DENVER — The Justice Department has confirmed that the man who attacked a Planned Parenthood clinic in Colorado Springs last week is part of a sprawling network of deranged individuals acting entirely on their own. Psychotic hermit Robert Dear is facing first-degree murder charges in Friday’s attack that left three people dead and many […]

Death goes unnoticed after woman dies with finger on ‘like’ button

  The death of a Facebook user from Sacramento, California went unnoticed for nearly a week after she suddenly passed away while clicking the “like” button on her Facebook newsfeed. For six days, Nicole Butterton’s friends on the social network just assumed that she was being as supportive as usual.   “She was always very […]

Man in small car obviously has large penis

EMPORIA, Va. — Local fast-food worker Darren Grossebite, 24, who drives a beat-up 1991 Suzuki Swift, obviously has a large cock, according to onlookers familiar with the inverse correlation between the size of a man’s vehicle and his penis. “The only reason any man would opt for such a puny car is because he’s ashamed […]

iPhone’s hobbies include being taken into bathroom, watching owner shit

  DAVENPORT, Iowa — A local iPhone was bluntly honest in a dating profile when it wrote that its hobbies included “being taken into bathrooms” and “watching [its] owner shit.” The self-described iPhone 6 — a registered member of SmartPhoneSingles since November of 2014 — says that most smartphones try to present themselves as having […]

Amazing! These two friends shared the same Jezebel article moments apart

  There is no such thing as a meaningful coincidence, according to scientists, but these two friends are certain that synchronicity is real. Kayla Baker and Brenda Alvarez were hundreds of miles apart when they read the same Jezebel article. Within minutes of each other, they both shared a link to the article on Facebook. Mathematicians […]

Friend little too supportive of your wife’s right to breastfeed in public

  A male friend’s support for the right of women to breastfeed in public has officially crossed the line from admirable to creepy, sources have confirmed. Brad Krieger, a 34-year-old radiology technician and friend from high school, began voicing his support for breastfeeding soon after you informed him last year that your wife was pregnant. […]

Police officers must ‘earn our respect,’ say nation’s asshole teens

  The nation’s disobedient teenagers are banding together to let police officers know that respect is something that is earned. Colby Delson, a cocky high-school junior from Ohio, says that officers today are too short-tempered when it comes to dealing with mobs of foul-mouthed teens who take off their shirts and are ready to throw […]

Man who drives Hummer must be ex-military

PALM SPRINGS, Calif. — Onlookers at the Plaza Shopping Center have concluded that because he’s driving a Hummer, the man who took up two spaces must be ex-military. “I wanted to tell the guy that he was an asshole for parking in a handicapped spot, but seeing as he was driving a vehicle modelled on […]

Friend 2500 miles away from Nepal earthquake ‘ok’

A friend from high school who’s vacationing in Thailand has notified her contacts that she was not injured in the Nepal earthquake, which occurred 2500 miles away from her beach hotel. “Hey guys, don’t worry because I’m ok, and in fact I’m having the time of my life,” Paige Blankenship wrote on her Facebook timeline […]

Crazed NYC woman tries to give strangers scary throat infection

NEW YORK — In what appears to be a scene right out of “Twelve Monkeys,” a mentally disturbed woman ran around Grand Central Station, trying to jam her tongue into strangers’ mouths to infect them with strep throat. On a video uploaded to YouTube, the woman appears disoriented and can be heard making frightening choo-choo […]

Woman accidentally posts shameful secrets on Facebook

ALTOONA, Pa — A local woman almost died of shock on Thursday after discovering that for nearly a decade she had been posting vast amounts of personal, embarrassing information on the social networking site Facebook. The information related to nearly every facet of her life, including friends, work and leisure activities. Most damaging to her reputation, relatives say, […]

Loser finally gets called out for Ice Bucket Challenge

RUSSELLVILLE, Ark. — Months after the fundraising phenomenon waned in popularity, a local loser has finally been challenged to complete the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. Curtis Lake, a 36-year-old copy center employee, had spent much of the autumn and winter months soliciting being called out, at one point even leading his colleagues into believing that […]

New York prepares for storm by dumping 6 trillion tons of salt on city

NEW YORK — The mayor’s office is reassuring the public that even if the blizzard that is expected to arrive late Monday leaves more than the predicted three feet of snow, there is no need to worry, as the city is preemptively dumping six trillion tons of salt on the streets. Mayor Bill de Blasio […]