Money

Articles about business, markets and money -- just to make you feel like you have some say in great matters

Tim Cook closing Apple stores in Saudi Arabia

Following his criticism of Indiana, which may soon pass a law giving pizzeria owners the right to deny gay customers pizza for pizza-themed weddings, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced at a press conference on Thursday that the company will immediately stop doing business in Saudi Arabia, where official punishments for homosexuality includes imprisonment, lashing or […]

Cyber Monday followed by Payday Loan Tuesday

The National Retail Association has announced that effective immediately, the day after so-called Cyber Monday will be Payday Loan Tuesday, when cash-strapped consumers have a chance to get in a few more purchases before financial troubles set in that will last until the second week of January. “We just want Christmas shoppers to know that […]

Yes, U2’s deal with Apple is totally ‘punk rock’

Last week, U2 frontman Bono defended his band’s $100-million deal with Apple, saying that having the company put the album “Songs of Innocence” onto half a billion iTunes accounts was very “punk rock.” How does this partnership fit in with other famous “punk rock” deals with the establishment? 1960: Chuck Berry is paid to spend […]

Pfizer honoring Robin Williams with tasteful ad for Zoloft

Expressing remorse about the death of Robin Williams, Pfizer officials have announced they will honor the legendary actor by using his face on an advertisement for the antidepressant Zoloft. “Mr. Williams was a brilliant actor and comedian, and we at Pfizer are just devastated that he left us,” said spokesperson Chuck Sussman. “So we’ve decided […]

Colleges building giant money incinerators

In an effort to streamline higher education, dozens of colleges and universities are replacing most departments with large incinerators capable of quickly burning students’ money. Instead of losing half a decade going to classes, studying and taking exams, a student can now attend college for a single day, during which she feeds into a furnace […]

‘Now is the time to buy,’ says Goldline Zen master

Goldline, one of the largest vendors of precious metals, would like to remind you now is the best time to buy gold. Over the years, the claim has been substantiated by Goldline Zen masters. In the late 1990s, when an ounce of gold cost less than $200, one Zen master proclaimed, “The time to buy gold […]

Creative writing majors getting rich as demand skyrockets

A new Labor Department report shows the demand for creative writing majors grew last year to its highest level ever, making a bachelor’s degree in the field more valuable than even a triple major in engineering, computer science and business. The rise in demand is leading to what Deborah Malarkest of the Washington Post describes […]

Woman making $150 an hour with online surveys now helping others

DALLAS — A woman who makes easy money by taking online surveys is on a mission to educate others about the great opportunities in this growing field. Valerie Padilla, who looks identical to the actress Jennifer Lawrence, earns $150 an hour — all while sitting in the comfort of her suburban Dallas home. “I was […]

Bitcoin inventor grants interview, urges calm, disappears

Satoshi Nakamoto, the pseudonymous inventor of Bitcoin, gave a rare interview on CNBC Wednesday, aiming to calm the volatile currency’s skittish investors. “Forget all that chatter in the media about governments wanting to clamp down on Bitcoin purchases, or about prominent exchanges suddenly closing up and disappearing with millions of bitcoins,” Nakamoto, speaking in an […]

Taco Bell to begin selling food

IRVINE, Calif. — Taco Bell has announced that starting next month, it will begin offering food, available at any of its 6500 official distribution branches. “Over the years, we’ve built a loyal customer base,” said Taco Bell president Greg Creed. “They have come to know us as a cheap, reliable sources for fertilizer, and we […]

11 shocking facts about Facebook, 9 of which are mostly true facts

1. Mark Zuckerberg chose a blue color scheme because he’s red-green colorblind. But don’t tell anyone, please. He’d die if he knew we broke his trust and used his personal information for our own purposes. 2. Facebook users average a separation of only 3.5 people. Yes, yes! And when Bruno Mars learned this fact, he […]

Pathetic Mark Zuckerberg only the 66th richest person in the world

Despite the success of Facebook, its founder and CEO, the sad excuse for a tech magnate Mark Zuckerberg, is only the 66th richest person in the world, according to Forbes. With a net worth just over a paltry $13 billion, 65 people can say they are richer than Zuckerberg, including actual titans like Bill Gates, […]

Jacquie Lawson to offer “adults only” e-cards

E-card company jacquielawson.com has announced it will offer a new line of adult-themed e-cards for people who want to send a “naughty more than nice” greeting, says company founder and president Jacquie Lawson. The new line will include the company’s familiar folksy animation, but with sexy twists. The e-cards will be organized into broad categories […]

Retailers to move Christmas to Dec. 31

In response to sluggish Thanksgiving Day sales and this year’s unusually brief shopping season, several major retailers have announced they are moving Christmas to Dec. 31 to allow an extra week of gift-buying. Walmart, Macy’s and Best Buy have all officially made the date change, and other large retailers are expected to follow suit. The […]

Angry US pays off debt in pennies

WASHINGTON — Saying “screw those loan sharks,” the U.S. went to its bank Monday to change all of its dollar bills into pennies. Fed up with $17 trillion of debt hanging over its head, the U.S. finally decided to pay it all off — but with the stipulation of “sticking it to those guys real […]

US has been hoarding machines that can make money

While many of the nation’s citizens are financially struggling, the U.S. government has been in possession of at least two large machines that can print vast sums of money — using everyday materials like cotton, linen and ink. “That our own government has been hiding these means of creating wealth is an outrage,” said Alex […]

Fitch upgrades itself to AAAAA

The ratings agency Fitch has announced it is upgrading itself from AAA to AAAAA — an unprecedented leap to the highest possible rating for an ratings agency. “In honor of our 100 years of quality ratings, we’ve decided to give ourselves some special recognition,” said Fitch CEO and president Paul Taylor. “We want the world […]

Report shows U.S. debt of 16.7 trillion is “not even two percent of a quadrillion”

The non-partisan Brookings Institution has issued results from a study showing most Americans overestimate the size of U.S. federal debt. The report says that while the current debt is approximately 16.7 trillion dollars, most people incorrectly believe that to be a high figure. “It is important to bear in mind,” the report states, “that 16.7 trillion […]

Prankster Time magazine promotes woman go down with sinking ship

This week’s announcement that the nearly-defunct Time magazine was giving its top editing position to a woman is causing outrage among feminists who call the promotion a “sick joke.” They say the move was calculated to show that women are “incompetent buffoons whose only business talent is to efficiently fly a company into the dirt.” […]

BlackBerry CEO going door-to-door to sell company

WATERLOO, Ontario – While he mumbled profanities about Samsung and Apple’s iPhone, Thorsten Heins, the CEO of BlackBerry Ltd., was spotted yesterday walking through a neighborhood in Waterloo, the Canadian city where the company is based. According to witnesses, Heins was going door-to-door in a desperate bid to sell the beleaguered telecommunications firm whose smartphones […]