Money

Articles about business, markets and money -- just to make you feel like you have some say in great matters

In memoriam: The Dandy Goat

The world of free online content is mourning the loss of a rising star. The Dandy Goat, which has published more than 800 articles since its launch in June of 2013 and was praised by readers as “lol” and “lmao,” has died following the institutionalization of its founder and publisher, Franklin J. Dubbles. Richard Omega, […]

Former ‘Occupy’ leader reluctantly accepts job as bank teller

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — A former Occupy Wall Street leader who has spent the last five years trying to dismantle capitalism by subverting its exploitative wage system has reluctantly accepted a job as a teller for Bank of America. Marco Saleh, 27, was one of the original instigators of the 2011 Occupy movement in Manhattan’s financial district. […]

Price of ‘thoughts and prayers’ nosedives to all-time low

  In the wake of yet another highly publicized tragedy, the U.S. sympathy market has been flooded with condolences, both genuine and counterfeit, causing the price of thoughts and prayers to plummet to an all-time low. Walt Wisher, chief economist at the Dubbles Institute for Social Economics, says that a solid one-minute prayer is now […]

Top business school tells all: how we produce the best psychopathic predators

  The University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton Business School is offering a new course this fall: BUS 415: Concealing Your Psychopathic Identity: The Secret to Becoming a Master of the Universe by Adopting the Persona of an Empathic Individual. Intrigued by the title, I arranged an interview with Dr. Howard Roark, Dean of the Wharton School, and […]

Revealed: Big Pharma’s big plan to cash in on Zika

  Note: The World Health Organization has declared the Zika virus an international public health emergency and some four million people may be infected this year. Zika may cause brain damage and unusually small heads in newborns — a condition called microcephaly. Women who become infected while pregnant are at especially high risk. Uppyurs Pharmaceuticals, […]

Exclusive: excerpt from Hillary Clinton’s speech to Goldman Sachs

  In 2013, Hillary Clinton gave three speeches to Goldman Sachs for the modest speaking fee of $675,000. Below is an excerpt from the never-before-released* transcripts of one of these speeches. Included is some pre-speech schmoozing caught on mic. Voice: Hey Hill! Great to see you. HC: Hi Lloyd! [Lloyd Blankfein, Chair & CEO, Goldman […]

Chia Cartel delivers some babies competitive edge

  Has anyone else noticed the sudden scarcity of Ugandan Purple (UP) chia seeds? If you can even find this elusive product it will cost you upwards of $350 for a 12-ounce bag.  And just yesterday, futures trading in UP was suspended because all outstanding quantities had been acquired by the shadowy, New York City-based Chia […]

Sanders promises to break up 10 largest banks into million little ones

  NEW YORK — During a campaign speech in Manhattan on Tuesday, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders promised that if he’s elected in November, he will deal with the oversized influence of the finance sector by breaking the nation’s 10 largest banks into “a million little ones.” “I tell you, in my 74 years of life, […]

Canadian farts craze takes over China

  While the most affluent residents of Beijing indulge in pricey bottles of imported Canadian mountain wind, most residents have few options to get relief from the heavy smog. Some buy plastic bags of cheaper — but often fake — Tibetan breezes, and the truly poor resort to sucking out pockets of trapped air from […]

Starbucks CEO admits plot to lure customers into Satanism

SEATTLE — Following outrage over the coffee giant’s decision to supplant its annual Christmas-themed snowflake paper cups with diabolical red ones, Starbucks has admitted to advancing a plot to lure customers into Satanic worship. The company is consequently halting the release of devil-themed holiday mugs, and it will abandon plans for a “Lucifer’s Delight” seasonal […]

US to auction off Nebraska

  Faced with a mountain of debt totaling more than $18 trillion, the United States is planning to auction off a large section of the Midwest, starting with the state of Nebraska.   The Treasury Department estimates that the sale could fetch as much as a trillion dollars, while a further $250 billion could be […]

Wall Street striking for $150 minimum wage

  NEW YORK — Saying that everyone who works in the field of finance and banking deserves a living high wage, employees from New York’s financial district are striking this week in support of a $150 hourly minimum wage. About 12,000 protesters dressed in suits took to the streets of lower Manhattan on Wednesday, vowing to […]

American Apparel forced to auction half-naked teen models

  A judge in California has ordered the clothing company American Apparel to sell off its more than 300 half-naked teenage models as part of a restructuring agreement with lenders. The half-naked teen models, many of whom live in the company’s Los Angeles headquarters, subsist off of kale smoothies and spend their free time posting […]

Planned Parenthood orders parts recall

  Fearful of lawsuits in the wake of revelations that the company sold disjointed products, Planned Parenthood is issuing a nationwide recall of all parts purchased in the last ten years, admitting that they pose a serious public relations threat. The company is contacting the owners of some 78 million internal and external parts sold as […]

Greek tramp runs out of German architect’s money

  As crisis talks over Greece’s continued membership of the troubled Euro currency continued in Brussels this week, the reality of the financial apocalypse facing this southern European nation famous for giving the world Demis Roussos and olives was playing out in a series of individual tragedies far from the glare of the world’s media. […]

Germany asked to pick up tab for Athens ‘no’ vote party

  ATHENS — Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras has sent an invoice to German chancellor Angela Merkel, asking her to cover the costs of the wild post-referendum party that erupted in Greece’s capital after voters rejected a European bailout package that would require more austerity measures. Around midnight on Sunday night, government officials celebrating in […]

With longer hair and makeover, Hamilton will stay on ten-dollar bill

  WASHINGTON — Amid concern about the cost of redesigning the ten-dollar bill, and growing opposition to one of the country’s Founding Fathers being removed to make room for a less important figure, the U.S. Treasury is scrapping its plan to replace Alexander Hamilton’s visage with that of a woman’s. Instead, Hamilton will simply be given […]

Trump offers record bid for purchase of US

  Saying he’s been eyeing the country for a long time but was waiting for its appraised value to drop, business mogul Donald Trump had placed a record-breaking bid for the purchase of the United States. The thrice-married investment guru and reality TV star says he’s already consulted with America’s board of directors, who feel […]

Female FIFA execs only get ‘fraction’ of bribes as male counterparts

  ZURICH — Adding more shame to the beleaguered world governing body for soccer, an internal investigation has revealed that FIFA’s female executives regularly earn less than a quarter of the bribe money compared to their male counterparts. “FIFA has made strides toward eliminating the gender payoff gap, but much more progress needs to be […]

Women still spending 77 cents for every dollar men earn

Despite greater strides toward purchasing parity between the sexes, a recent study shows that women in the U.S. still spend around 77 cents for every dollar a man earns. The findings from the Economic Justice Center come amid increasing awareness of gender inequality in the marketplace, as well as calls for a federal law to […]