I’m the guy who overuses the word “trope”

by Toby Pakula Hi, do you remember me? We spoke at Kristen’s birthday party. What did we talk about? Books and movies, mostly. We discussed M. Night Shyamalan, and I’m pretty sure we had a long conversation about Thomas Pynchon. You don’t remember me? I’m the guy who overuses the word “trope.” No matter what […]

That’s cool — I didn’t want to be invited to Mandela’s funeral, anyway

by Kim Jong-un Whaddup fellow world leaders. We cool? Me, just going to hang with my boy Dennis Rodman. I got a little military parade thing I’m planning,  and I’m gonna show him a little lady I know. I call her Miss Aisles. That’s missiles, haha. Shh, don’t tell Dennis. It’s going to be a […]

I put the ‘stud’ in gender studies

Excuse me, miss. Is this where I register for the gender studies conference? Thought so. It smells like frigid women desperate for the forceful touch of a dominating male. What’s your name? Mary, huh. Mary, Mary. Going by that third-wave feminism look you got goin’ on, you ain’t no virgin. Let me introduce myself. I’m Dr. David […]

Blacking out your teeth is not funny

Once upon a Halloween, children would innocently pat flour on their cheeks, giving themselves a fun, vampire-like hue. Some youngsters would even spend their nickels and dimes on a jar of ghoulish green face paint — the final touch in a spooky Frankenstein outfit. Nowadays, youngsters all across the country are blacking out their teeth […]

I’m sorry that I didn’t build you a stronger web-site, Mister President

by Thomas Andrews, head drafter of the RMS Titanic Mister President, when you approached me about building you a healthcare web-site, I said to myself, what is a web-site? Is it a site for one’s web? And might we build it in a shipyard? You laughed at my antiquated manner of seeing the world, Mister […]

I am not a god, but a mere demigod

by Barack Obama My fellow Americans, I alone cannot avert the crisis that will be sparked if we don’t raise the debt ceiling and prevent a default. Many of you want me to assert more presidential authority and raise the ceiling on my own. Some of you would like me to strongarm the Republican party […]

I did five European cities for a day, and I can tell you all about them

by Tanya Brands Visiting Europe was a dream come true. Last month, I went with my friend on a five-day whirlwind tour, and I can tell you this: some European destinations are wonderful, while others are really terrible. For a day, anyway. London is a great city, and I’ll never forget the way the guard at […]

I’m no communist — I’m just a normal guy who likes football and a cold beer, and who believes all resources and industries should be collectivized so wealth can be redistributed through a powerful centralized state agency

by Mike Calvo A lot of people think that just because I was born in the San Francisco Bay Area to two politically-active Marxist parents, that I might have some extreme political ideas. Are you kidding me? I’m just a normal guy who likes football, a cold beer, and who believes all resources and industries […]

My fetus will be starting kindergarten

by Liz Durham I can’t believe how fast time goes. It seems like only yesterday that I took the pregnancy test. And now, six years later, my little fetus is starting kindergarten. I knew I was pregnant right away. I could feel it, so taking the test was a formality, so that I could show […]

I wish to work hard, get wealthy and become greatly despised

by Abshir Ali Shermarke Ever since I learned my application for political asylum in the USA was approved, I have been dreaming about my new life in America. I pray that I may work hard, get wealthy, and then become immensely loathed for my riches. I will not take for granted this new opportunity in […]

Opposing views: Immigrants do the jobs we don’t want to do vs. I refuse to do that, señor

Immigrants do the jobs we don’t want to do by Niels Olsen I am tired of hearing anti-immigration zealots say that illegal immigrants come here to steal our jobs. The truth is that immigrants do the jobs we don’t want to do. When was the last time you heard of a Mexican man making a […]

Ladies, there’s no need to be stupid

By Barbara Dinkel Welcome, gals, to another meeting of the Omaha Women’s Investment Club. To honor our tenth anniversary, we want to find something real nifty to invest in. I’ve been asked by Geraldine to present our idea. Bitcoins. If you’re not familiar with Bitcoin, it’s a new currency. As you can see on this […]

Do me a favor and hold your tongue

BY EDWARD SNOWDEN Before you judge what I’ve done, before your retreat to your cozy, clichéd belief about how Big Brother is real and that I’m a hero, or that the War on Terror requires us to compromise our freedoms and that I’m a traitor, I want to you consider this: You don’t know the […]