In memoriam: The Dandy Goat

The world of free online content is mourning the loss of a rising star. The Dandy Goat, which has published more than 800 articles since its launch in June of 2013 and was praised by readers as “lol” and “lmao,” has died following the institutionalization of its founder and publisher, Franklin J. Dubbles. Richard Omega, […]

How could we have elected a man who doesn’t know about possessive apostrophes?

It’s going to take a lot of soul-searching to understand Trump’s ascendency to the highest office in the land. Some of it boils down to factors beyond our control: rising disillusionment with the so-called establishment, the fracturing of news into partisan info-spheres, and decades of failure from our educational system to produce intelligent voters capable […]

Sorry I caused a mess. Would a dick pic cheer you up?

Hey everyone, I just wanted to apologize about inadvertently providing the FBI with new evidence for the investigation into Hillary Clinton and her private server. Director Comey obviously has a personal agenda, but still, I hope that nothing bad results from all this, like someone who just last week was being crowned winner of the presidential race […]

A woman fat-shamed me on the subway. So I ate her.

There I was on the subway, minding my own business, when this skinny young thing who had been staring at me tapped my shoulder and said, “Excuse me, but I must confess that I cannot ignore your mass, which requires two seats, while two of me could fit snuggly into one.” Can you believe that […]

Enough is enough: let’s end cock-shaming

Another day, another story of a powerful, egomaniacal woman telling her stay-at-home husband what he can or cannot do with his own body. In this case, I was the victim, but this wasn’t the first or even the second time. It wasn’t even the 475th time. For countless years, I suffered daily spousal abuse. Practically […]

On the question of human children tumbling into our enclosures: opposing views

Tiny humans equal big problems Young gorillas in zoos nowadays think that humans are our friends, and that despite their chemical stink, ear-splitting whines, and shriveled, hairless bodies, we could all live side by side, as equals. Just last week, I caught my own grandson waving an ice-cream wrapper to get the attention of a […]

Enough humanitarian awards, just let me tongue Justin Bieber

As a women’s advocate, I have spent much — perhaps too much — of my young life fighting so that girls around the world may enjoy basic human rights: the right to education, equal treatment under the law, and the simple teenage pleasure of sucking face with a cute boy. Because I spoke out for these […]

Want to make America great again? Let’s start by improving our women

  Everyone keeps saying, “Donald, why are you always insisting that America is the best at everything. That gets on other countries’ nerves.” I never said that America is the best at absolutely everything. I didn’t. Technological innovation, military stuff, action movies, basketball, yeah, sure. We’re really good at all that. The best. Other countries […]

The terrorists will not destroy our French way of life. Now would you kindly give me a blow job?

  As a French citizen and a firm believer in the values of the French Republic, my faith in secular democracy has been shaken at its very core by the savage attacks in Paris last week. There is no greater assault on a nation whose foundations are built on the concept of liberty than to […]

A Super Bowl halftime show that will go down in history

As a shark, I’m often told I have bad taste, especially when it comes to the arts. Admittedly, I’ll take a Michael Bay movie over a Wes Anderson flick any day. And maybe it’s because we sharks are colorblind, but I couldn’t tell the difference between a Picasso and a Van Gogh even if you […]

Hrthoz is good

My fellow inhabitants of Earth, be not afraid. Over the centuries, Hrthoz has been given many names. Lord of the Eternal Choom. Sage of Shikaakwa. Juris Doctor and Bestower of Many Gifts. These are titles truly befitting of Hrthoz, for Hrthoz is wise and benevolent. In the year of eight and two thousand, and again […]

You stupid, me smart

I’m not the egomaniacal, deceptive monster you think I am. Making the rounds on the internet is an unflattering video of me speaking at an academic conference, a place where great minds share the fruits of scholarship. To the uninformed viewer, one of my remarks may seem disparaging, as if I were suggesting American voters […]

Sexy Ebola Nurse costumes: we are woefully under-offended

by Joan K. Walsh  I realize you are busy working or taking care of your asthmatic kids, but I need a moment of your time to discuss a grave problem: our society’s failure to be adequately offended by a reprehensible new Halloween fashion. Look at this ad. What do you see? This is a photo of […]

Stop being all judgey about ISIS

If you’re like me, you are sick of hearing about ISIS. We can barely watch television without being forced to endure yet more disparaging coverage of the supposed atrocities of the Islamic caliphate. Pundits drone on endlessly about its so-called terror tactics, and even “open-minded” journalists criticize the organization for its views on women — […]

In my day, looting actually meant something

by Raymond Hinton   I look at the events unfolding in Ferguson, Missouri, and I just shake my head. Youngsters have no respect for the art of forming a mob, breaking into a business, loading your arms with as many goods as you can carry, then fleeing — all in the name of political dissatisfaction. […]

We must not defy the stars by demanding our free Cholula

by John Alvarado My fellow herbalists and ponderers, we are gathered in brotherhood on this evening to make use of my new bong, to chill and discuss the big issues of our day. The bong has been lit, and so many among us, now high, wish to dine, and to dine in a manner that satiates […]

Does anyone happen to know of another large plane disappearing?

by Jeff Zucker, president of CNN Worldwide Thanks, everyone, for coming to this emergency brainstorming. I suppose you’re aware of the bad news coming from ol’ Ratingsville. Yeah, we’re down again. Small bump. Does anyone happen to know of another large plane disappearing? Just checking. We’ve fallen way behind those wingnuts at Fox, as well […]

Sit down, kids, so Grandpa can show you his old Facebook timeline

by Eddard Poole Oregano, Philip, come here. You too, Narnia. With all my injections and stretches, I may look like I’m 45, but inside I’m feeling all of my 112 years. I’m not going to be around forever. You know, I wasn’t always just an old man waiting for my pills to run out so […]

Opposing views: Let’s reduce our military vs. We must not shrink our troops

It’s time to reduce the size of the military by Chuck Hagel Never before have we enjoyed such a harmonious global community. I can scarcely think of a single conflict that might require U.S. military intervention, yet for some weird reason, the armed forces keep getting a ton of money pushed their way. The 2014 […]

I’m not a positive stereotype

by Vivian Han I’m getting downright sick of it. Everywhere I go, people say things like, “Oh, the Chinese are a hardworking, studious people who respect their parents are honor their forebears.” Oh really? “It’s only a matter of time before China takes over the world, due to the discipline and work ethic of the […]