Attackers to spend rest of eternity trying to get noticed by Parisian waiter

Paris attackers to spend rest of eternity trying to get noticed by Parisian waiter TARTARUS — Reports from the afterlife are confirming a rumor that the men who carried out Friday’s attacks in Paris are currently seated at a table in a noisy, crowded cafe where they will spend the rest of eternity failing to get the Parisian server’s attention.

“That sheep’s cock won’t even look at us,” said one hollow-eyed attacker. “Everyone else is getting served. I’m starving.”

“Look, my brother, the place is full,” said the youngest attacker. “He’s just busy. Allah commands patience.”

“We’ve been sitting here for 12 hours already,” said another, who had been too nervous to drink anything prior to the attacks out of fear he might wet himself. “For the food, I can wait, but my thirst is really infernal.”

The hollow-eyed attacker again suggested they go to a different place, but his idea was quickly shot down with angry reminders that this is the only restaurant in hell. And in any case, who among them could stand up after having blown off their legs?

“You see, my brothers, ‘The rewards of those who exercise patience will be doubled,’” said the youngest attacker, still trying to prove his piousness. “The waiter is coming right towards us. Excusez-moi, monsieur? Monsieur? Merde, doesn’t he notice us? Is he deaf and blind?”

“This is really intolerable,” said the thirsty one.