Alcoholic coastal fish to Russia: keep your anti-gay laws

dumpvodkaAs LGBT activists renew their calls to dump Russian vodka off piers and into gutters, thousands of coastal fish are asking the Kremlin to not capitulate to the activists, who are demanding that Russia scrap its anti-gay laws.

The activists want to put pressure on Russian President Vladimir Putin and legislators in the Duma to lift a law that bans “propaganda of nontraditional sexual relations amongst minors.” The laws aim to silence homosexuals with the threat of a fine or imprisonment. Many also say the laws are being used to justify attacks on gays and lesbians all across Russia.

The controversy is boiling over this week as competitors in the World Championships in Athletics, being held in Moscow, are speaking out against Russia’s laws. The pressure is also mounting as celebrities — such as Lady Gaga and actor Stephen Fry — are calling for a boycott of this winter’s Olympics in Sochi, Russia.

In the beginning of the month, coastal fish from around the world — from the Mediterranean to the Pacific — got ”silly drunk” from Russian vodka that bar patrons and owners had poured into gutters, eventually making its way into coastal waters. While some fish said they only had a sip, most admitted they ingested the “fermented bounty of Mother Russia” with reckless abandon.

Fish native to California’s coast have been very vocal in their support for Russia’s laws — unsurprising considering how outspoken LGBT activists in the state have been about implementing another round of Russian-vodka dumping.

"Don't let foreigners dicate your domestic laws," say alcoholic fish around the world who hoep for another round of vodka being dumped into gutters, streams, and oceans

“Don’t let foreigners dictate your domestic laws,” say alcoholic fish around the world who hope for another round of vodka being dumped into gutters, streams and oceans

“We call upon the Russians to ignore the meddling of foreign homos,” said a stinky, slurring mackerel named Simon. “Keep your laws. It’s your country. Discriminate away.”

“C-c-cultural imperialism,” said a tiny bass named Cassie who was visibly shaking. “Screw that. Down with the West.”

A third fish, a long sturgeon named Ernesto, appealed for a more rational course of action. He wanted to remind LGBT activists they should also boycott Jamaica, which has strict anti-gay laws and is sometimes referred to as “the most homophobic nation on Earth.”

“And don’t forget Belize,” the sturgeon said. “You aren’t even allowed to enter the country if you are gay.”

“These countries happen to make very fine rum,” he added. “Enough with the vodka. It gives me a headache.”