A divided UK would be ‘a beautiful simile torn asunder by a stupid analogy,’ says Cameron

David Cameron - Scotland analogy, metaphor and simile LONDON — British prime minister David Cameron appeared on television Monday in a last-ditch effort to convince voters in Scotland to reject independence, insisting that a divided United Kingdom would be “a beautiful simile torn asunder by a stupid analogy.”

“And that’s not all,” Cameron said, delivering an impassioned speech in Aberdeen, Scotland’s third most depressing city. “By voting to leave the U.K., you would be left with nothing more than an empty metaphor floating on a sea of fading memories.”

“Let me put it this way,” he said. “Scotland is like a rustic peasant girl with bad teeth and a scent that reminds one of putrid fish, who nonetheless got to marry a dashing chap, vastly more sophisticated and charming.”

“And this girl, in spite of her incomprehensible speech, crude manners and tendency to drool on herself, earns in her village a modest degree of respect and admiration, due to her husband who is clever and works hard, so she settles into her role as the lesser partner within a mutually advantageous marriage, because even though she’s homely, she has a pleasant laugh, and she’s quite adept at pulling weeds,” he said. “And in that union she happily remains for 300 years, occupying herself with knitting and eating boiled organ meat wrapped in sheep’s stomach while her husband actually does something productive.”

“Yet one day, wicked nationalist bacteria thriving in her gut poison her mind and inflate her ego, making her think she’s something other than a homely but agreeable old useless woman, and she starts to believe she could have got where she is on her own, without the protection and support of her gentle husband,” Cameron continued. “Instead of speaking to her husband, who is by his very nature an accommodating person and could have taken her to a proper doctor to cure her digestive ailment, she pays a visit to her witch-like sisters, who feed her a wicked potion of pride and bathe in her false compliments about her beauty and wits, when in reality she has little of which to boast.”