1000 reasons why I’m offended today

by Alex Parring

marcusOh man, as if I needed any more offense today. I’ve had it up to here. If I read about one more person who has said something rude, vulgar, racist, homophobic, or even sarcastic, I’ll scream. I’m serious. I really am. That also goes for people using figures of speech they don’t fully understand.

Take Robert Benmosche, the head of AIG. Do you know what I just read? He said something very, very, very bad. He said that because he’d faced harsh criticism regarding his company’s exorbitant executive bonuses, he’d been the victim of a “lynch mob.” I know, I know. It’s a figure of speech, and he didn’t mean it literally, but still. Does he know anything about American history? Does he know that lynch mobs were terrible and terrifying? If he dares to ever again use a figure of speech like that, I’ll write another scathing opinion piece that he and his circle of friends will never read. Maybe I’ll tweet about him. Done.

I’ll bet you’re furious, huh? Well wait — I’m just starting. Moments after I read about the AIG creep, I saw a story about a Canadian literature professor named David Gilmour who actually said in an interview — he said it, because it’s on record! — that he doesn’t like women writers, or Chinese writers. Misogynist and racist? Okay, what he actually said was that he doesn’t “love” any women or Chinese writers, and that he only teaches literary works he loves, which happen to have been written by men. Can you believe this guy? If I were a woman, and a writer, I would be angry. No, I am angry. How dare this dumb jock say things like that? Shall I inform the world via a tweet? Done.

Oh, and I saved the best for last. I doubt any of you were watching the Miss America pageant last week, but if you were, you would have felt an acute desire to vomit when Miss South Carolina said something very, very, very bad. Brooke Mosteller said she was “from the state where 20 percent of our homes are mobile, ‘cuz that’s how we roll.” Did you catch that? She was openly mocking poor people who, due to the disastrous economy left to us by that hick frat boy George W. Bush, have no choice but to live in a trailer. Miss Carolina’s line might seem merely silly, but it carries with it so much hatred. Of course, we might play the devil’s advocate and say she made a poor attempt at punning — something about rolling as a metaphor for attitude, but she’s not bright enough to think in puns. She hates the poor. Shame on the shaming of living in a trailer. Shame on Miss Carolina, and shame on all people in her socioeconomic class. Going by her looks, I’ll bet her father’s some racist dentist and her mother a snobby socialite who says things like, “y’all want to come down to the spa with me?” Yuck.

There were 9,997 other things that people have said recently that really pissed me off. But alas, I’ve reached my word limit for this article. Anyway, it’s time for me to take a relaxing bath with scented oils. I certainly deserve it, what with the idiocy I’ve faced.